Why?

Written on February 23rd, 2024

More like why not… or even better… where to!?

I will tell you why I am taking this trip anyways. I guess I can do whatever I want to really.. I mean this is all mine.. after all. I’ve got the damn tv remote this time..

My name is Zachary Dallas Houston and I am blessed beyond belief. I am from Macon, Ga. My parents are Angela and Yancey Houston. I have one brother and his name is Garrett Houston. He has a fiancé named Katie Waller and she is my new sister. My parents just dropped me off at the airport. All 3 of us cried.

I was born in October around this time of day. To be exact it was 7:44 pm. When my flight leaves for New Zealand I will be exactly 29 years 4 months 14 days 20 hours 34 minutes old. My parents gave me a special letter in my name. It’s a k. Zack is how I spell it. There are many ways to spell Zack and all of them are great… but I get to be Zack with a k and I like that. No one in my family is from Texas but I have two Texas cities in my name. We also pronounce “Houston” like “Howston”. They say when I came out I had big eyes and stared around the room looking like an alien. They said I didn’t cry that day. Well since then I have cried many days. Poor Zack. Poor me, right.

Brene Brown says, “Pain will subside only when we acknowledge it and care for it. Addressing it with love and compassion would take only a minuscule percentage of the energy it takes to fight it, but approaching pain head-on is terrifying”

I am catching a plane to LAX and then I’m headed to Auckland, New Zealand where I will spend close to 67 days. I’m all time changed out trying to figure out all of that. They are 18 hours ahead. I return May 1st to Atlanta, GA. I have lived in Atlanta since Halloween 2018. 1,941 days. I lived in Lindridge Martin Manor in 4 different houses surrounded by loving neighbors and friends. They are now family. I’ve been single, engaged, married, and divorced. I just sold my house today. I really like the people who are moving in. If you are a neighbor reading this will you please welcome them to the neighborhood with open arms just like you did me. I can hardly pull into the neighborhood anymore with out crying. That’s okay. I’ll be back to visit you.

I have been on a healing journey for the last 1,635 days. I found courage through syd who helped me break silence. If you’re out there reading this please know I will be forever grateful for you for allowing that monumental thing to exist outside of my body and out of my mouth for the first time in my existence. Thank you. I will also add that I will always care about you and that I wish nothing but the best for you and that you find someone one day that treats you with the love and respect you deserve. I will pray for that. I will always be grateful for our time together. Much love to your family for accepting me as a son and a brother.

I’ve spent over a decade self-destructing, masking, and avoiding my pain. Tripping all over myself… neglecting myself.

I’ve spent around about a year and 7 months on a spiritual journey. I’ve been meeting somewhat weekly with about 6. guys to discuss the Bible and other late 20’s male things. Just Life. Chas, Thomas, Will, Harrison, Julian, and our fearless leader Marchant. Marchant we love you. I love you. No girls allowed! I cannot tell you how much this group means to me and how beneficial it has been in my life. It was about 4 months in when I felt even more courage and more of a push to speak out loud and up about what I believe in. I believe I found my purpose and it was to use my experiences to help others. Helping other people. I went balls to the wall. It was like a  shaken up 2 liter with mentos thrown off the Grand Canyon hitting the floor of the canyon and exploding back up to the south rim. I wasn’t crazy. But I wasn’t calculated. I was rushing to get out to go save people. To help people. To alleviate pain. To help prevent people from going through pain. I didn’t want anyone to feel the way that I have felt. I found a way that it could work and I just ran and I ran really fast boi. I didn’t lose my head.. but I lost balance. I lost focus on priorities. My value list was all screwed up. Everything had wholesome and true intentions. (I was the slowest kid on the playground btw) Maybe fast isn’t right for me! I’ve never publicly said that my spiritual journey provided me the courage to create A Friend in Me or to speak out loud. But it truly did. A Friend in Me is not faith based, but I will tell you that the founder is an individual who tries to grow in his faith. A Friend in Me is inclusive of all walks of life. No matter who or what you believe in.. you have a friend in us. We are not a church. That’s what church is for. I am about 75% there for you Christians out there though… this is in the top 3 of the hardest things that I have ever tried to do.

A Friend in Me has been life changing… literally. It has helped me grow tremendously and open up my eyes even more than they were. My eyes were of course open because I ran around this earth knowing what I knew and that no one else knew. I said.. I cannot be the only one. That is where the empathy I carry comes from. I believe A Friend in Me has been able to help others. I believe it will continue to help others. I have had to put it on pause through this season of life. We all know the quote… “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. Well… that’s where we are at. I have couch surfed and stayed in many different beds since mid October 23. Today is February 23rd, 2024 a monumental day in the journey of life. Over the course of 4 months I have experienced every emotion in the book. I have been grieving many of things. I have become reclusive. I have thought a few times of giving up. I haven’t thought of taking my own life.. but I thought about just… kind of maybe not paying that bill, or let go of the wheel.. or spend all my money and just see what happens. Just kind of fade away and see what happens.

My friend once told a friend of mine“Zack cares about everyone but himself” I’m telling you this to point out who much I’ve disregarded my own well-being… and he wasn’t saying that to gossip or anything. It came from a great place. He liked me and cared about me….and I knew he was 100% right..my feelings were never hurt. I appreciated it and I remember thinking in 2015 how am I ever going to help myself… I was lost.. have been lost for a long time. I think that was one of the first times that I ever took a step back to look and analyze what had I had been doing to my self. I’ve always been very grateful for that moment.

I will tell you… I refuse to give up. I am here to face my pain head on. I am not going out like this. I am going to survive. I am going to live. I’m going to fight for my life… and yours. I am staying here to see the world.. to see what’s out there. I am here to forgive. I am here to grow. I am here to find peace. I am here to push myself. I am here to love on myself. I am here to find my smile again.. to laugh again. I am here to find balance. I’m not promised tomorrow. Neither are you. Memento Mori. I am here to fucking live. I want you to watch me fucking live. I want you to fucking live with me. If language triggers you or the word “suicide” triggers you or the real talk that will relentlessly come out of my mouth triggers you.. then I’m sorry.. but I’m not that sorry. This is real life. I will not be censored and I won’t beat around the bush. There is nothing wrong with groups that are careful about what is spoken and said.. that’s okay! They can exist alongside with me. You know what you are going to get with me. You are going to get something real, true, genuine, honest etc. I die on that fucking hill.

I almost took a couple jobs starting in January in Atlanta. I gave my company and my awesome manager about 4-5 weeks notice that I was leaving on the last day of 2023. I had nothing lined up. I completed one semester at LSU in my Masters program for Social Work. I visited my therapist sometimes 3 times a week and it became my number 1 priority. Zack had to become the #1 priority or else he was not going to survive. If I had taken a new job with a new company.. I don’t care how much money I would have made.. I would have fallen back into the same habits, vices, and turmoil that Zack has always ended up in. I would have missed out on an opportunity to take a trip like this… . Zack needed a reset. Step back and say hey.. we gotta change something. So in  my therapy sessions this past year I didn’t go down to the foundation and the roots of Zack.. there was too much at the surface level and if I went down there it would detrimental.

I’m going back down there on this solo mission. It’s me. Only me. Its me and my head. It’s my heart. I’ve got to get rid of these dark things that live in my heart. They will leave my head after that. I have to go down to the studs and do something… I have to forgive(not forget) but forgive… I cannot move forward until that job is complete. I may not fully accomplish that but I plan on making serious progress on it and I will be so proud of myself for it. I think I’ve already made progress. I won’t spend every waking day giving thought to all of this deep soul searching but it will conquer most of my thoughts. I already know. I will let go and have fun adventuring and connecting with new people. Learning about new cultures. I hope to open my eyes even more. I want to take in the prettiest sights in the world. Nature will be my therapist on this trip. But I do have a mission on this trip. I have to dig deep.

I plan on doing a mix of work exchanges with apps like workaway and Worldpackers. WWoofing as well. I will also just flat out explore and be a tourist. I plan on vacationing in Australia. Not sure when.. not sure where.. not sure for how long. I have a 42 liter back pack and small day pack. I packed about 8 pairs of socks and underwear each. 3 pants. 4 shorts. 2 hats. 3 long sleeve. 1 puffer jacket. 1 rain jacket. 1 set of thermals(temp in NZ is all over the place.. and so will I). Toiletries. Quick dry towel. Hiking books and rubber boots. Flip-flops. A kindle( thank you Marchant) Spotify. Laptop. I will also have people back home that I care about and unfinished business in making America specifically a better place. You will see me again. I will laugh and smile again. I never meant to be this serious. But it’s where my life has taken me. This is how I choose to navigate this very short life. I don’t know what lies on the other side of this trip. But I can tell you I’m leaving my options open and I plan on applying all of the things I’ve learned about Zack and will be striving to become the best version of Zack.

If you’re still reading.. you are a real one. A true friend of Zack. I hope you enjoy following along. If you believe that you are someone that might have impacted my life even in the slightest way. I would go ahead and say you are 100% on that list. I don’t forget. I am so appreciative of all of you who have inspired me, pushed me, loved me, and believed in me. To my haters.. I love you too 👍 I will never give up on y’all. I will never give up on Zack. This truly is a pursuit of happiness. Updates to come.

This is finding Zack.

I love all of you.

-let the adventure begin-

Be vulnerable my friend. It will change your life.