A Jump Awaits 2

Sooo…still sitting at this restaurant…it is a sleepy town. A couple restaurants stay open past 8:30. I like this cabin type restaurant called Monsoon. There are these tours for young people called Kiwi Experiences..or Kiwi tours..idk….but its a lot of young people touring the country on a coach bus…I would have loved to do that at 21 with a bunch of friends. Not now. But when I was writing the first “A Jump Awaits”…the waitress said..I’m sorry to bother you but I just wanted to let you know that karaoke is about to start and the tv is right above you…I was more than happy to move ha! I’m now at a table in an empty dining room that’s still kind of attached to the “fun” room…karaoke has commenced to say the least….there are 3 girls screaming Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone” ….you can imagine. They are having fun though..I have earbuds in listening to Hovvdy on repeat. The first song performed of the night was a European guy with a rough accent..maybe from…I’'ll just guess..Czech Republic..he sang “Angels” by Robbie Williams. I have heard this performed several times on this trip.. it is a great singalong and a classic I will say. I’m sitting here thinking that I’m going to shock all of them with the Thong Song by Sisqo…the emo boy in the corner..in the dark.. writing on his laptop in all black….emerges from the darkness with the thong song and then disappears.back into the dark..lol I crack myself up. Honestly…I might do it.

So…in this beautiful flora..(I guess that’s what you call it all!) today…lol I’m now writing this while listening to the thong song and I can’t take myself seriously with the serious matter I’m about to write about hahaha..

pause…..

My thoughts…my emotions have been hemorrhaging out of me…I’m feeling everything intensely as the trip progresses..and as the end nears..…I think the scenic car ride out here definitely spiked the thought processes…I’m in the type of landscape that I love the most…but its also different than what I’ve experienced…and its better than what I expected it to be like…I have fallen in love with something new. The adventurous side of me is in high gear..I’ve written things on here and put my heart out on the line in public now…things are existing outside of my body…with that..(this is vulnerability btw)…so with all of this comes a little bit of anxiety and fear. There are heaps of stuff running through my head at this point of the trip!!!!!

This trip has been filled with emotions…I think in the beginning of this trip I forgot that I was still grieving an old life ending…that I was grieving the loss of a partner..loved one. I have already “broken up” with my dogs. I’ve had to detach. It kills me. Bodhi is still my background on my phone. I am dreading having to change it…but know that I have to move on. and I named my other dog Petey…after my favorite artist….so I continue and will continue to see that name moving forward. These all seem like simple things…but I feel lots of things deeply. I am heartbroken..even though I understand why this has happened and that it is for the best for all parties…but…I am a heart broken baby boy. I wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and reach for safety..and it’s not there…or I experience something and instintcively want to share it with that person. I am alone again…and yes I have friends and family..you know what I mean though…this is just Zack again. There is nothing like an intimate confidant, friend, lover, that you can trust and run to…and unfortunately in my life…I could use some help along the way…as much as I can handle being alone…I need companionship. I need love. I am still adjusting to this new life..So I’m having to realize that this healing process is not immediate…and it's probably not getting better anytime soon…but I know…that things do get better with time..and hard work. The karaoke song playing now is “Life is a highway” sung by germans who can barely speak English…I hate it so much but can’t help but to laugh at what I’m typing and what I’m hearing in the background. Ugh. Pause.

So with being heartbroken as a dominating factor in my thinking….I would add about 10-15 other things to the list…some are newer obstacles i’m having to deal with and then…you have the usual suspects. I try to spend time with each of them…instead of bottling up all of them….like I’ve done in the past…and then they explode all at once. I’m lucky to be alive I tell you what. So there are continuous thinking days…that my mind reaches all different parts of my memories and experiences…it honestly tires me out..I can tell by how exhausted I am when I lay my head on the pillow. I know it's “vacation” …but I don’t think it’s really a vacation. This is a mission..and it’s a tough one…are parts of it fun?…hell yes they are…but I told you in the beginning that I came out here to accomplish mental games…and well we are deep in the season at this point…the playoffs are coming up…there will be other seasons as well…you don’t always reach the final four. But you always get to learn more about your teammates(feelings, emotions, thoughts)…you accomplish small goals throughout the season..you develop and strengthen skills…you come out stronger than before the season started. It’s win just signing up to be a part of the team. Also…there really is no I in team….you can’t do this alone. Wow great march madness mental health analogy, Zack. Hughston for 3!

I have one more part of the jump for us..to be continued…