Fat Pipi Pizza and Blue Thumb Blue, Water 2

*plays “Seventeen Going Under”-by Sam Fender on repeat.

You should play it too as you read this one. I’m writing this at a cafe in the middle of Arthurs Pass..I'm cutting across the country from the West Coast to Christchurch. There is ketchup splattered all the way up the wall to my right…also they call it tomato sauce here…and its always served out of a crusty tomato shaped bottle…and it doesn’t taste like ketchup. I miss real ketchup. This post may be long and will contain travel…and Zack stuff..thats what we are going to call..Zack stuff. If you made it this far…hang in there with me…I haven’t left you…don’t leave me. We are in this together believe it or not! If this exploration of what is going on in my brain is uncomfortable…well good…we can uncomfortable together..afterall…I have been dealing with it silently for over a decade in my head…this is just the first time you’ve seen it written down. It’s nice to be able to share without worry of being judged. Maybe being on the otherside of the world helps with that too. I also represent myself now…I don’t have to worry about censoring myself because of someone else’s image or whether or not what I say will make that person uncomfortable..because you do become one…sometimes….I am not affiliated with…well anything at all at the moment…I am…simply…Zack.

I’m not crazy…I am human..just like you and you and you and you and you. I have been through a lot….and my brain and heart have endured a lot…and what happens after those are natural human reactions…and we all react differently to things that happen to us….if enough things happen to you….things can get very complex..things compound..things develop into new things. So here we are….at 29 evolving again…like we always do…into something new….refining. For those of you that worry about me…I understand why you might worry…especially with my history of depression…but I can assure you…its been worse..I have reason to live…and what I’ve been writing on this trip…like I said..has been going on for over a decade…this isn’t new. This is not an existential crisis. I believe that I do know who I am…I am just gathering up a few more pieces…I will always being picking up a few more pieces..as I put one back in that fits..another will fall out..I will bend back over and pick it back up…eventually most of them will stay intact as I find balance/peace…but I understand that its near impossible to stay perfect…so I’m okay with picking them back up….at least I can find the pieces….you know how frustrating it can be when you get to the end of a puzzle and one piece is missing….I believe all of the pieces are right in front of me…its a matter of sifting through them to find the ones that fit…rearranging them.

The Crimson Tide Men’s Basketball lost to UCONN in the final four yesterday. It was our first final four appearance in school history. I had several friends attending the game in Phoenix. I felt at times that I was pulling for my friends to win more than the school itself…because I know how much it means to them…of course I always want Alabama to win…its my alma mater..that school provided me so many wonderful lessons…a degree that helped kickstart my life.etc. but I don’t have the capacity to keep up with much…I can’t even name but maybe one player on the football team at this point. I love going to the games..I love the comradery…I do love the break it gives my brain when I watch any kind of bama game…I am proud of the University I went to…and I’m most thankful for the University of Alabama bringing beautiful…and life long friends into my life. Thank you to my family who paid for me to go to school at The University of Alabama. Roll Tide to that baby. So..I wish they won..but I was proud of them…its like 2 in the afternoon..Sunday for me at this point. The town of Hokitika is sleepy..at first I’m a little frustrated that I made a mistake in choosing this place as a stop…is it a waste of my precious time….I insist on going to see something…walk into the nearest store…this lady with the black dog in the storefront told me to go to the gorge. It’s 30-40 minutes away…like the opposite way. Might as well. I’m cruising through fields towards the mountains. Sunshine isn’t out too much this late afternoon.

I get to the gorge…oof…the biggest mistake I would have made would be NOT choosing Hokitika because I would have missed out on this beautiful place…The Hokitika Gorge. See…the car provides so many happy accidents a chance to exist. I always wondered if I was a happy little accident as well;)

After a 30ish minute walk through a rainforest…there it is….icy blue water…simply…amazing. My brain was already working in the direction I’m about to discuss…but the blue water helped me get there. When I saw the blue water….I associated it with the A Friend in Me blue logo. I dedicated the rest of my time in the gorge to A Friend in Me thinking. I was surrounded by Blue Thumb Blue water….I wish I could scooped up the water…and splashed it onto my arm…where my thumb tattoo is…filled it in like paint. Since I had made the decision to move to Austin…I have a sense of direction..I can move forward…there are many things I need to do before I make the move…one of those…is AFIM.

What to do…what to do…I’m going to go get the charger for my laptop out of my car.Pause..unpause..I’m out of breath. They have these birds here call Kea’s…it’s in the parrot family. They are really big..and they are annoying if you are eating outside…just watched one steal some food to an unsuspecting tourist..they also sit in the trees and make whiny noises. Actually kind of cute. Back to the blue water we go.

A Friend in Me…And I could write an entire book about my chaotic journey with it. But I’ll stick to my thoughts yesterday. I knew the time was going to come where I had to make a decision on this…now that I’m leaving the state…what do I do with AFIM. By the way when I think of the advocacy I for suicide prevention and mental health awareness….two polar opposite things happen…..1. Proud of myself for standing up for what I believe in. For the courage…to stand on my two feet and outwardly discuss my beliefs and experiences. Great job Zack. 2. Shame. The vulnerability as well. Its scary…I think about a video I made in my backyard…where I’m standing in front of the 988 neon sign I had custom made…where I say in the video…I will keep this sign up on my property for as long as I live. Well…I really didn’t expect to be moving out of that property in the following 6 months…but I think about…was that sign uncomfortable for my neighbors…I mean yes it is my property and I can do what I want…but a neighborhood respects each other for the value of all of our homes. I really hope I didn’t scare off any potential buyers looking in the hood…..but Zack….this is what you believed in…you know for a FACT that the suicide hotline can save lives…at the time I didn’t care if people were mocking me for putting up the sign. I was definitely on a high alert because I started to see how many suicidal people there were out there…and I was doing my part..and sense I can’t be every where all at once for others…I gotta sleep too ya know…then I’ll put up this sign that is 24/7…its an active service provided by our country…there are people who will answer the phone that want to see you live longer…simple as that… and maybe its just one person passing through who just needed it that day..and they give up and call in..they start their journey to finding peace and happiness..just like me.…or maybe it was a neighbor saw the sign everyday….has been depressed…and it encouraged them to speak out and get help….I knew that I had a corner lot on a busy part of the neighborhood….and all I was trying to do was be a beacon of hope for…literally…..anyone. That sign now sits in a storage unit…a dark unit..unlit. No one has a chance to see…not even me now. That hurts me….I have the suicide hotline in my bio on instagram…but not many people can see that I guess. I sign off on things sometimes in America….988…I’m sure some people who thought…is he trying to tell me he is suicidal….so I did start to add…988 is always there for you or a loved one…100 different variations to how I do it. I write it on bathroom walls…if I was a graffiti artist I would replace the ugliest “tags” with 988 on bridges.

As I was getting ready to leave for this trip…In the Publix parking lot near the place I was crashing at..Marchant’s place…I noticed in the freaking parking lot….a 988 suicide hotline sign…right there…in plain sight…for all to see. I felt a little more at ease by taking down my own sign..because there are plenty others out there…and I assure you…that number will be apart of me whereever I go…in some way shape or form.

I didn’t expect to go into the sign thing right there….the vulnerability though….taking my shirt off in my front yard on a stage in front of my peers…to explain how I used to not be able to be comfortable in my own skin…..that I couldn’t order at the cash register in McDonalds because I was so anxious…that I tried to leave this earth…..and now look at me M’fer..I’m standing in front of all of you….alive. I have survived trauma after trauma…I’m Speaking out loud…I’m still living!!!!! But when I go to bed at night my mind plays games with me….Zack those people think you are the craziest person in this town…please shut up. My brain tries so hard to get me to stop…maybe thats the devil talking actually. Lol…I met someone with mutual friends in the past year….they said…so..I heard you got a lot of demons….haha crazy thing to say off the bat….I replied..yes…yes I do. That is something I am still learning to deal with….that I have opened up myself to so many people…I have let so many people see the inside..and having my stuff out there is very hard…but….Its way better out there than all pent up in here….and….I know…that there is someone out there who might resonate with it…whether they resonate with the content or the courage..doesn’t matter…so thats why I don’t stop….I know that there are plenty of other Zack’s out there…walking around in silence fighting battles NONE OF US HAVE A CLUE ABOUT! Thats what a friend in me is!!!!!! I was one of them!!!!! I survived and made it to the otherside…and it is my job on this earth to do my part in helping the other Zack’s out…

I think its a poor choice of words of me to describe some of my posts as…sad….because…all this is..is showcasing the journey of a battered individual…ups and downs and everything in between…this isn’t sad…this is triumphant….thats what all of this is about……this is triumph. This is hope. This is bravery…this is fighting for your life and others.

I’m going to go grab a sandwich and hit a small walk.