Brace for Impact

I found the community I was looking for…it’s a beach/fishing town on the east side of the Coromandel peninsula. The name of the town is Whitianga ..it sits on Mercury Bay…in the Bay of Plenty. The coromandel appears to be another natural playground…I am going to stay here for a few days…maybe even longer. I booked an airbnb…the night before I stayed in a hostel with 12 people..a little stinky…hikers…and their shoes…shoot even my shoes smell somedays after a long day. I try to be mindful and leave them outside the room or in the car. I wish others would do the same but what can you do…you get to stay for pretty much free in a bed..with facilities like a kitchen, a lounge room, a laundry room, a room full of people from all over the world, and communal handicap showers lol.

My last night in Abel Tasman…I went back to the Mussel inn…after finding an amazing waterfall…closer to Nelson…I circled straight back to my new favorite venue…completely different vibe on this night…seated show…average age..69 years old. Sold out…in this tiny room…I talk with the staff…they remember me from the night before…they let me hang with them outside and I was able to watch through an open window on a bench with my back leaned up against a post…honestly better than being inside the tiny place. Attaching pictures…kiwi girl singing…Julia Deans is her name. Amazing singer…much more calm of a night than the punk rock show I saw before…two ends of the spectrum.. I exist all in between the two…I’ve got range baby.

I sleep in the backseat of my little Mazda at the mussel inn to save on some accommodation money…the staff were cool with it…it is in the middle of nowhere…My phone is dying..my laptop is dead…cool with me. I put on a few layers..sit awake munching on a meat lovers pizza from earlier in the day…I do some thinking…thats we do…you know this…all we do is think..lol.

I believe that most of the thoughts were geared towards my relationship with things in this world…in this case..it was my relationship with music….and wondering if it is healthy for me or not…and why it means so much to me.

I have never really sat down to try and process through and I’ve never written it down..I obviously mention music in every part of my being…so I think I’d like to explain what it does for me…for me and you. I’d like to get it down.

Before that…I woke up in the parking lot..phone dead..my feet are freezing..turn on the heat…no way to charge my phone in this car…I know that I’m headed to Nelson…and I just have to take the only road out there…instead of a stupid cd I bought…I turn on the radio..its talk radio…I find out the Masters Champion is Scottie Scheffler via radio on this drive…I don’t even know what time it is for 2.5 hours of a drive…I had so many funny and cool details from the things that came on the talk radio….I can’t remember them all at this point….I do remember they interviewed like 20 3rd graders….they asked all of them the same question…”Who do you think are better drivers? Men or Women”

In their little New Zealand accents….the boys would say men…one boy said…..”Girls because they have longer legs”…..and almost all of the girls said “women” and a word that they kept using was…”sensible”….”women are more sensible so they are better drivers”…a few of the boys said..”because men can do a lot of things women can’t”….I know I know. The third grade girl answers were much more reasonable and “sensible”.

As I type…I am listening to “Us and Them” by Adam Newling..sitting at a restaurant at the marina..in this grassy area…the sun has set behind me and the moon is out to my left and there are palm trees next to me…hardly anyone at this beautiful restaurant…..Listen to the song I’m listening to if it helps you enter the scene…its 5:41 Pm..I still have some daylight left.

Music when you are an adolescent..is…singing songs in the car with friends and family…school dances…playing basketball in the driveway…its singing a favorite song with with your brother and father in the truck…”Believe” by Brooks and Dunn was ours….we would sing every single word as best as we could..like passionately…it was also Tim Mcgraw’s “Live Like You We’re Dying”..ironic…also…ironic…Thomas Hamlin texted me in the middle of this trip..he attached a Spotify link to Live Like You We’re Dying…I never knew this about him…he said…”This is a song that is unique to me. I started listening to this song when I was about 19 years old. And the funny thing was-I always understood that this song was unique to me. The lyrics resonated with me. Love you Z.”…….I believe this was in response to a post back in Australia where I was talking about things that resonated with me…I think Thomas and I met at 19 years old actually…18…..also…that song…Live Like You We’re Dying…I believe is written about Tim Mcgraw’s father… who in 2003 was diagnosed with a brain tumor…Tug died in 2004. I think my Grandaddy had died the same exact year…my dad’s dad. Reynolds. I think I was ten….I don’t recall my dad crying much in my life…but I think I remember seeing a couple tears as this song played in the truck…the day Grandaddy died I was in Albany at a Dixie Youth All-Star tournament….we were at some motel…and I remember waking up and Mom breaking the news…I had never lost anyone before…it was weird. You don’t even know what your’e feeling….Mom put Dad on the phone…he was headed back up to go see his Mama I reckon…It was the first time I ever heard him crying…but he said…Grandaddy has gone to Heaven..and its going to be okay…he couldn’t make many words at the time…and I could tell he was upset.

It was an elimination game that same day…the tournament was double elimination…the day before..we were in the bottom of the last inning..down by 1…I was batting…I had ducks on the pond at 2nd and 3rd…ready to come home…2 outs…I had been hitting the ball fine…I was nervous……….I struck out…I think Brian Finneran’s son is the one who struck me out….Brian Finneran was a wide receiver for the falcons at the time(I actually talked to Brian Finneran about this a few years ago…he has a good memory too). I watched strike three…game over…I never panned out to be a good hitter when I made it high school but at 10 years old…I was scrappy and could get on base…I couldn’t hit it out of the park….but I put it in play..and I definitely didn’t watch strike three go by me….I think I sat there and kneeled on the plate for a minute…I think it is one of my earlier memories of disappointing others and myself…letting someone down…..the next day…we are getting beat….we had high expectations in this state tournament….and we were not looking good…my dad is a coach…he wasn’t there that day obviously….I hit the fence….only got a double out of it cause I’m very…very slow..but still… I hit the fence and felt a little anger redemption…it was a weird day..and I couldn’t wait to call my dad to tell him and hope to brighten up his day. I don’t want to ever lose my dad..and I know how this life ends for all of us…and I am just so thankful to have been raised by someone who cares…who loves..me…I imagine its been very hard to see their own son hurt like this…this life is absolutely insane. I am blessed…in so many ways…despite all of the pain endured.

Pause.

Unpause

Last thing about the baseball…When I met the Mobile, Alabama boys in my fraternity and my dorm….Harrison Frantz(Fonz is what we called him for those of you who have heard me mention FONZ….visited fonz when he was living in San Antonio and I got a real Texas experience with him and Sam Wensinger..Greune Hall…which I will be back to visit when I move to Texas, Robert Crismon(I misheard him when I originally put his name in my phone…to this day I left it the way I spelled it….Crimson hahaha and Robert just moved to Atlanta and I’m sad I will miss out on catching up with him), Thomas Hamlin..the bestest friend ever to Zack Houston, and Nathan Skipper(father of 2 now with a beautiful family..married to our dear friend MC.…Nathan and I were very close freshman year)….I found out they were representing Alabama and lost to the Warner Robins boys like Dalton Carriker and them…who I had competed with some of those boys before….It was either that team or the Columbus team with the pitcher who had the flat bill..Carter? Maybe was his name? I think it was Warner Robins though…Always been thankful for my Mobile friends…they were some of my first friends at Alabama…and I still talk to them to this day…I have always looked up to each of them….and they have always been there for me and loved me for who Zack is…

That song live like you were dying….has definitely resonated with how I feel about operating in my next chapter. Still trying to skydive actually. Dawn Carr and Lucy Miller took me to see Tim McGraw in Atlanta…we rushed to the tip of the t of the stage….when he sang Live Like You Were Dying…he was high-fiving all the people around me…I held out a fist bump…and I got one. I was singing at the top of my lungs…..I have gotten away from country over the years…but Tim McGraw specifically pops up in rotation…I think his goatee reminded me of my dad…they had similar faces as well…and I can always go back to singing his songs in the truck with my dad…every time I listen to Tim McGraw.

and the two earliest songs I can remember doing this sort of thing were in the truck…..”Don’t take the Girl” Tim McGraw……I remember crying at this song…it was the first song that made me cry….and Alan Jackson’s “The Blues Man” and “Drive”….Kenny Chesney’s “Baptism”..A lot of these were sung in his white z71..and then alot in the f250…the same one I eventually drove off to college in and slid on a frozen road next to Bryant Denny Stadium in the background…and hit 5 sorority girls in a brand new BMW…no injuries….also real quick in that wreck…a few weeks earlier…we were in Nola..my best friend Zach Wiener and I were messing around on bourbon st….somehow…he managed to sneak a Mardi Gras bead in my ear….Its bourbon st and I’m 19…so you get it…my hearing was screwed up for the next few weeks…we get in this little accident..and Nathan Skipper behind me says...”Zack is that a bead in your ear?”…they show me a picture of it…I can hear again! The bead is halfway out..but still in there….we go to Tutwiler…the girls dorm…Thomas Hamlin is in the truck as well…get some tweezers and pull it out….the paint on the bead had disappeared…I guess into my body through my ear lol…it was solid silver…what a day…that was a day after our only real big snow day my entire time in Tuscaloosa…a lot of us vividly remember that day during our freshman year….snowballs flying everywhere..partying..school was cancelled…wow…that was living right there. The cops agreed that they opened up the road a little too early and the fault was put on the ice in the road and not me…I never heard from the bmw girl again…she completely understood and was cool about it….I can still see their faces as I just glided into them with this f250…unreal…alright..music…we probably listened to it a lot during that snow day…I imagine we were listening to like Passion Pit or Reflections…something like that…good memories.

With mom…in the earliest days…NSYNC…Chaka Khan…Journey…Foreigner…J Lo..Upbeat and fast just like her steps in the house with her flip flops…bam bam bam bam lol

As a family it was a specific Black Eyed Peas album...the one with”ive got a feeling”…also we had the Outkast cd with “Ms. Jackson” on it….oh and Dad had one cd we played for years until it scratched…it was yellow…and it was the classic yellow smiley face…it was best of the 70’s….Kung Fu Fighting and Don’t Rock the Boat are the standouts…and Play that funky music….I do have a good memory…wow. We also had the First Lady gaga album…dad liked that one.

I remember riding in the f250 on a long trip…at the time it was the longest drive I had ever been on…to and from Stuttgart, Arkansas to stay at Uncle Jason’s to hunt ducks…dad had xm radio….and he would let me play whatever I wanted…Its 2005..I’m in 5th grade…the two popular songs that I remember the most were…”Soul Survivor” by Young Jeezy ft. Akon..the other…”Laffy Taffy” by D4L…and there was a station that would play these songs over and over…we would sit through a bunch of songs just to hear those two songs again…and Dad didn’t care…I imagine it helped keep him awake on a long drive.

Peyton Garrison and I loved music…I remember sitting with him in 6th grade at his house while a girl on the other line played piano and sang Nickelback’s “Far Away” to me..it was sweet and I probably should have appreciated it more at the time…but we were teenage boys…laughing while our end was on mute. A-holes.

Grayson’s dad loved Metallica and heavy metal..I was introduced to that type through them. I have revisited that music in the past couple years..and I think of them.

Jake Allen and I loved Blink 182…my favorite band for many years. Jake Allen..Lucy Miller..Morgan Humphrey and myself got to see Blink 182 in 2010 at Lakewood…on the third row..My Chemical Romance opened….Travis Barker and his drum kit hovered over us…it was epic at the time. Mom and Dawn sat in other seats nearby….and listened to Tom Delonge flick birds and tell crude jokes the entire show.

Robert B and I have bonded over My Chemical Romance and grunge…give us Alice In Chains! Robert is so talented and will make a name for himself in the industry one day..I have no doubt about it sunny.

Blair Smith showed me Elton John, Third Eye Blind, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Fleetwood Mac etc.

Anna Dooley and I listened to early 2000’s pop together..her dad Jimmy introduced me to The Allman Brothers(from our hometown, Macon) and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Walker and I listened to strictly country…we got in trouble for underage drinking in Hilton Head and were in big trouble on the way back to Macon…we rolled down the windows and blared simple man and free bird the entire way…awaiting a punishment from our fathers.

Brian Floyd and I listened to all types of music..Grillz and “I Write Sings Not Tragedies” stand out to me…oh…and “Fireman” by Lil Wayne.

I could go on and on..Garrett and I bond over both Blink 182 and Third Eye Blind.

Third Eye Blind takes over at the end of highschool..like every single song..no shame…their lyrics speak to me…the band Brand New really takes over as I begin to isolate in the “playroom” of my house…I sneak and grab the family laptop every night…stay up til 4 am watching music videos…I’m diving into the teenage angst world…google at my fingertips… am experiencing a silent angst…I’m burning cd’s every day to play in my truck…my music taste evolves…this punk and emo world of music is speaking to me…the tone of voice..the lyrics…music is evolving for Zack…I see myself in the people singing…we don’t look anything alike..we don’t dress alike…but the emotions they are showing and the words they are saying….I feel..every..single..bit of it..I’m battling demons that I don’t even know yet….things are happening in my head…things are surfacing as I grow older and start to understand this and that….its getting weird..and its getting very…very…dark…and I’m coping with things that I shouldn’t cope with..in silence. For about 2.5 years…I feel like I’m living a completely separate life that no one knows about…and I’m going through things…that no one has a clue about….alone.

I get to college…my horizons widen.….My bestie Zach Wiener and I bond over all types of music…he doesn’t judge me for the crap music I like…I’m exposed to all different types of music that people have fallen in love with in their hometowns and have brought to college…there is a huge jam band following at bama…..Jam bands never made it on my playlists growing up….they barely did in college…maybe String Cheese Incident...perpetual groove….

John D loved widespread…I would listen to it with him and was able to figure out how to appreciate it….Drummond is also someone who you won’t catch shedding too many tears…but near my lowest in college..I started to open up to him and I remember us crying over my record player together in my room. We were listening to Led Zeppelin..I had just turned 21…I was about to kill myself around the time…in fact…I was getting ready to kill myself around that time..….I hid it enough…he didn’t know. He did let me know he was there for me…and I did find comfort in that. I’m still typing btw…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My feet are on the same earth as you…actually just one…my legs are crossed…but you get it….I’m still here!!!!!!!!!!!

Dylan Harrington liked Tool and Modest Mouse…that type of music aligned with me and struck a chord….

In my 20’s I’m attaching music to memories…good and bad. I’m coping with music…and other stuff I guess.

Austin Spraggins and I bonded over Mt. Joy.

Paul Brandon and I have bonded over all types of music…he’s extremely talented…he gets it…he gets me. I think Paul will find a way to make big splashes in the industry as well in either an on stage or behind the scenes role.

My new friend Brandon Sanders who I met at Smiths Olde Bar at open mic…so talented..he gets it…he’s talented. Smiths olde bar open mic…I probably attended too many times as they are long nights…but I came to really admire people getting on stage…working on their craft..doing what they love…and putting themselves out there…for either themselves or hopes to get discovered….just doing what they love… I loved open mic at Smiths olde bar. Shoutout..Logan and the Misadventure as well.

Again..I could go on and on.

I’ll tell you about my first iPod and first concert then we are going to jump to present day.

My first iPod was blue…don’t know what generation…I think 4th grade or so….I get it on my birthday…I have an iTunes gift card…my uncle John helps me upload my first songs in druid hills in Atlanta….He had the honor of putting the first song on my iPod…..It was “Photograph” by Def Leppard….He said..your parents will like this one….so I’m in 4th grade and “Photograph” is the first song that I can freely play over and over again….if you listen to the start of it…its got like this coming of age sound….and I absolutely love it. Songs were 99cents…you had to carefully select which ones you wanted….every birthday and Christmas…all I could think about was the iTunes gift card that might be in my stocking….it was the best gift I could receive for many years.. Good song, John. Your Love by The Outfield was a song I added that week…it became my ringtone.

My first concert was NSYNC in probably 2000 or 2001. Mom was a school teacher…were were sitting in her room at lunch one day..Dad brought us McDonalds…in moms bag…were tickets to NSYNC…that night! She was pumped..we were all pumped…I think this must have been the tour where they were hanging by strings like puppets…It was in the Georgia dome I think. That was a cool experience for a 6 or so year old.

The day before my friend Fonz was supposed to graduate from Bama that weekend…I wasn’t scheduled to graduate for another good while lol him and Robert Crismon were graduating and I hung out…with their families the night before they graduated…they insisted I come with them to graduation the next day..…I couldn’t handle it…I holed up in my room and drank for two straight days…I was sad to see my friends leave…a lot of my friends were moving on…and I’m the piece of shit left behind…

Fonz and Robert were engineers which required them to spend a little bit more time in Tuscaloosa…both very..very intelligent blokes…most of our friends were gone. Def Leppard was playing at the amphitheater…I begged Fonz to come with me…I got scammed out of $60 worth of fake tickets online….we found real tickets shortly after….Poison and Bret Michaels opened…and then Def Leppard came on…it was awesome…I didn’t even know the drummer had one arm…and the lead singer had this puffy microphone that he would wrap his hands around and you couldn’t see his mouth moving….I think he lip synced some of the show tbh…but we didn’t care..we had a blast…great memory Fonz.

I didn’t have too many chances to see concerts in highschool or college because of money…I mean I guess we saw Corey Smith several times for $10 bucks…but big acts…na.

This is getting long…but I’m in the zone. We will push through together.

Pause…its cold out here and I’m getting bit by a sandfly on my neck…you take a break too reader…be back in 30…

Unpause

I’m watching a big rugby match with locals…its the Australian Rugby League..and NZ has one team that plays in it called the Warriors….it would be the equivalent to the Toronto Blue Jays in the MLB. We are cheering for the warriors.I talked with locals for a little bit…they are back focused on the match..I have a table to the side with a plug…I’m wanting to write.

*plays “Us and Them” by Adam Newling*

This is about to get a little bit longer.

So music today and over the past…shoot..decade…has turned into a different animal for me. It’s actually become a very consistent and loyal friend. See….I spend a lot of time alone…I also am at times very social….but every single day…there is plenty of time where my mind keeps me awake…up late…and alone. The only thing I have is music….the thoughts are going to be there regardless…I find songs that speak to me…like literally….the ones where the lyrics feel like they are directed right at you....talking to you…and then the songs where someone is trying to describe their own feelings….and it resonates deeply with you…..

It allows me to feel seen……I get….extremely lonely in my head…even living under the same roof as other people……I only show and let people see what I want them to see...and I think I probably show a lot more than the average person..…but I think thats because I’m comfortable with it…because there is so much under the surface…so that whatever I reveal…is not that much to me………………………………………..….no one knows what is going on up here….and at times….its hell. A lot of the time it’s hell. I fall asleep to the artists and songs that I believe feel the same way I do….every now and then it’ll be a song that just sounds good to my ears and the lyrics are irrelevant and the beat or tune just feels good to me…but for the majority of the time….I have done research on who is performing or creating the song…what they come from…and why they might be writing it….I choose those…and when the lyrics really align with what’s going on in my head…I feel like I’ve made a friend…I’ll never talk to the artist in my life…but they put a product into the world…a piece of them…for someone like me to listen to and resonate with…and it brings me comfort…that IM NOT THE ONLY ONE OUT HERE DEALING WITH ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT!!!!

Shoot..I’m sitting here tearing up as I type trying to hide that I’m tearing up….I just want all of this out of my body.

Music has just become…like a 5th limb to me…it has befriended me in my darkest hours…it has kept me alive…without it at times when I’m left alone with my thoughts.. I might not still be here without it.…..it helps me escape…it helps me process…it gives me relief…it brightens my day…it allows me to feel when I need to feel…it teaches me…it soothes me..it protects me…it reminds me I’m human…it takes me to places..it allows me to dream…it helps stop the bad dreams…it brings like minded people into my life…it connects me with the world…it helps me feel more understood.  It brings back wonderful memories of life like I’ve listed above. It gets me through. At times…it feels like my only friend. I remember in the past year or so…crying my soul out in the shed behind my house…on all fours….hemorrhaging tears and pain.…dying on the inside…wiping my tears…and trying to wake up the next day and act normal…..and I play certain songs that aim to provide courage and to comfort. It’s all I had. Its all I’ve ever had…

I do stop to smell the roses and listen to nature…I’m finding balance with the amount of time I spend listening…my pallet is so all over the place at this point.

I move to Atlanta in 2018..I’m making real money for the first time…I’m living in a city that most touring acts make a point to stop in….I noticed that Atlanta tended to be either the first or last stop of a tour. It was always one side of that spectrum….

There are a good bit of venues…and all of the sudden…the people that have been talking to me through my earbuds…are coming to my town…in person…..what!!!!!??? I feel like I know these people and I know every word to their songs…I’ve got to go see them in person…..I go by myself….80% of the time….I used to ask ppl to go with me…but it began to feel like I was pressuring people to come with me to see a band they didn’t like…and the timing didn’t work out…or it was too expensive…or the band didn’t mean much to them…..so at some point…I just quit asking…I would occasionally mention to ppl that I was going to a show…and silently hoping they would come with me…but I wouldn’t ask. I had no problem going alone…but damn…I wanted to share so much of what I saw and heard with someone else….

There is nothing I love more than singing a song with the windows down in a car with someone else….there is nothing better than a late night with friends belting out a classic….there is nothing better than….friends…………………………………………………………………there is nothing better than being surrounded by people that love you….by people that accept you for who you are…by people who love you unconditionally…jamming along to a song that is mutually liked by all parties....

I’m sure there are tear stains on my Fleetwood Mac record…on whichever one “silver springs” is on…

I’ve been to more shows alone…than someone should go to alone in a lifetime probably …there are so many great things about doing it on your own…but dang man…I want to share this moment with someone…with anybody.

I love seeing a not very well known artist in their early stages…who I’m a big fan of…and going to the show and meeting other people who discovered them as well….that connection is always priceless.

I discover so many unknown to Zack bands…the openers…they are in my daily rotation and on my playlists now..Idc how small they are…a song resonates with me..its on my playlist..and I like the artist and I’ll do my part in supporting them and help them get more exposure.…I’ve met so many great people at shows solo…I’ve gone to some solo where I don’t talk to a soul. I’ve met artists and been backstage and late hangouts with them…but a lot of the time…I stand…or sit by myself….the live music experience has probably helped me through more than I could handle without it.. guess where I’m going…Austin, Texas. I hear they have live music.

I’m rounding this blog out hang in there reader…

*plays “red lights” by Lane 8..EMBRZ REMIX*….this is a song that carried me through 2023. On repeat I tell you what boy. Listen to it while you read this last part.

I’m in New Zealand…I’m seeing and experiencing “once in a lifetime” things…well actually…do they have to be once in a lifetime? For now though…they are once in a lifetime. Amazing scenes, scenarios, and people.

And still…..I close my eyes…wake up from a bad dream…can’t fall back asleep and worry about the future. I can’t help but to worry about the next bad thing that is going to happen to me….or the next inevitable mistake that might hurt me further.

I feel like I do a great job of the positive self talk…but those negative pessimistic thoughts keep coming…I feel like I’m bracing for impact every day of my life…like something else is bound to happen that will destroy me again. And yes….I know this is a terrible outlook and thought process…”Zack…you can’t think like that….” You’re right….its not a good outlook…but my brain works this way….its been in hyper worry mode for way to long…..like I’m fixated and worried about the next bad thing to happen to me…I don’t want to be this way I promise you!!! But its just instincts…I’ve tried to work on it…its just kind of the product of a series of unfortunate events that has landed us here…its something I will probably live with forever…now its just about managing it.

I close with this…

A dog…an abused dog….maybe he was born into a family..maybe he was adopted…maybe he had an owner who abused him..and now he’s with a new owner..

That abused dog has been poked too many times…he’s been betrayed..of course he’s pissed! Of course he is hesitant! trust becomes an issue..he puts faith in something and gets betrayed again…this dog is angry…this dog doesn’t trust a thing….vigilant…of all of the things that can hurt him…his brain is altered…he’s in survival mode 24/7…. The only person he trusts is his current owner who saved him…sometimes that owner abandons him too…..you poke a dog long enough….its perception of the world is altered for life…..high alert. Like the dog will do everything it can to not be hurt again.

I feel like I’ve spent my last 7-8 years worried about the next bad thing to come my way…I am so damaged…I have crumbled at times…I am….I am broken…..I am shattered….and I was shattered even a few years ago…and now I just feel like the broken glass is being stomped on and  broken into even  a million more pieces on the concrete than it already was……like you bend down to pick them up and someone walks by..kicks you in the teeth and kicks the glass further into the road…you’re laying down with your face on the concrete…in pain and exhausted…there’s no way you’ll ever retrieve all the pieces…blood runs down your teeth onto your tongue…you’ve tasted this before…the pain is back…why is it even worth it you ask yourself? You just want to rest…You just want it to stop. You want to go to sleep…..you just…want…it…to…stop…you try to get back up…at this point you are like an old man getting up off the floor…you cut your palms on the glass as you try to lift yourself back up…you limp…you learn to walk again..you make it to the next block and round the corner…and someone kicks you in the balls…you’re doubled over on the concrete again.

It doesn’t matter whose fault…Im not naive…I know that I’ve created plenty of my own problems…but…..this is a feeling I have…I am a shattered piece of glass…and it’s becoming too many pieces to collect and put back together…. I have built myself up again…with a guard up and vigilant….I’ve put myself out there and gotten shut back down…deep into the ground. I have trust issues…not like jealous in a relationship thing but…in a general sense of people….who the hell can you trust in this world…who is trying to take advantage of me…I struggle…so much with this…and when I finally build up that trust and it gets crushed….it just sets me back even further….

I feel like I cannot handle many more blows…..I’ve been through too many things and I’m tired of the ups and downs and rebuilding, prospering, and getting kicked down again…that cycle tires me out so much….I’ve done it too many times….I worry that the next blow….that I can’t handle anymore…that I don’t have the energy to overcome and rebuild. But Zack……you know that the grass is greener…and you win every time you stand back up….and you learn from what happened…and you keep trying and things get better…………………..but guys….I am so….so fucking tired of this cycle……I don’t know how much more I can withstand…and I know there will be more stuff coming my way…I just hope it isn’t anytime soon. I am trying…I am trying.  I am tired of bracing for impact….I feel like New Zealand has provided me a chance to let my guard down….like walking in the woods like I’ve talked about where there is nothing that can hurt you…its freeing…the only thing that can hurt me is what I allow to hurt me. There aren’t many people here…I’ve been able to breathe and cry in peace…I’m not tied to anything. I found out a few days after I left Bondi Beach in Sydney, Australia that there was mass stabbing right next to the McDonalds that I ate at several times over the 3 days there…..I was feeling so safe in this world.

World…you can rip away my innocence, my heart…my soul…you can stomp on it…you can strip all of my dignity...my social security number…but please….don’t take my Spotify away from me.

It’s all I’ve got. Like the song us and them….thats all its ever been…just us…and everything else.

I’m going fishing for the next few days…..bought a rod and tackle at the store today….the airbnb has a deaf German Short Hair…Weimaraner mix that is incredibly affectionate towards me…I look forward to coming back to the room every day to see her…her name is Ruby…..I’m good…I’m just getting some long over due thoughts on paper…there is more to come be warned….and then it’ll end..and I’ll go quiet…and I’ll give the world…another go…once again….and slowly stand back up again…learn to walk again…hold my head high and with purpose….I still refuse to give up…as much as I want to.

Much love…Z.

*plays..”Respirate” by Pinegrove and “Penny” by Ruby Haunt*