The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me

I drove about 30 minutes to hot water beach…yes…a beach where if you dig a hole in the sand it creates a hot tub….there is a shop that can rent you a shovel…they call them “spades”. I just stopped by a a little coffee shop and restaurant called Hotties…the guy making coffee and I chatted for a sec….this place is super..chill..beach vibes. I really like it. Sunny day…after two days off…no sun. The guy making coffee was from Pennsylvania and he has been here for 35 years. He was working in Martha’s vineyard and a kiwi girl was working with him..they fall in love…and she brought him back here…he said kiwi girls like Americans…I replied…ya don’t say…

I am extremely..extremely aware how this finding Zack journey may come off as what some might call “crazy” or “bizarre”. Believe me…I’m terrified to hit send on every post.But I don’t have much to lose at this point. Silence didn’t do us any good…we figured that out..why hide who I am? I don’t think I’m crazy…the people that know me know I’m not crazy…that should be all that matters…unfortunately my brain struggles with that…but I think on this trip we have made a lot of progress in that area…remember…Memento Mori……again….I could see how if you only read one off posts….that you would be like…wtf is he talking about..and thats why I encourage starting from day one. But I guess if you opened up a page in the middle of a book without reading any of the chapters before…you would be pretty confused too….okay…lol overthinking mode activated!

I know the last post might be hard to read for some of my loved ones… and things may continue to be harder as we close out finding Zack…but all I’m doing is writing about what has been pent up inside me forever..and all of it…they are my facts. Why do I have to experience them alone? My thoughts on all of this is to get out what I can…while I can…revisit…process…share tidbits of it with you…and when this trip ends…I start with a clean slate..and put everything behind me…I learn lessons from the past and we charge forward.

I am not writing from a place like…oh poor me.…please feel sorry for me. Look at all the things I’ve been through and feel sorry for me…..no. nope. nada. and I honestly hate that I feel like I need to justify why I’m doing all of this when really I should be able to do whatever the hell I want for whatever reason..but part of me does aim to educate and explain….its part of my purpose….and I do worry that people might misunderstand my reasoning in what I’m saying or why I’m doing this…..remember…all I want is to be UNDERSTOOD!

This stream of consciousness…type of writing…about my decade long depression…is cathartic…it's a release….Its interesting as I’m typing…and I take little pauses in my head between sentences…..things are not planned out…but I think it all flows so nicely because I’ve been living in the depression for so long that I know it so well….and its coming out of my body..through my fingertips and out in the open…like wtf…that is bonkers(fun word) to me….and in the past year…it went out of my mouth into a microphone into a speaker and into peoples ears…that is also bonkers….Its in my phone and there is video of me talking about Killing myself..and its on the internet…that anyone in this world can see….what in the world is going on. I finally…don’t have to do this alone…and with it all coming out…just like when I was 25…there are painful parts that come along with it…it is all part of the process…..you have to get it out of you or it will destroy you…you have to embrace it, feel it, acknowledge it…in order to get through it….it takes fucking guts to do what I have done in speaking up and out…I don’t care how that sounds…its true and I’m proud of myself for it…and I respect anyone who has been able to pour their heart out and share their experiences out into the world.

I really opened up my laptop at this beach/garden cafe to talk to you about this next part. My plans did change a little this morning…I was having dinner last night in a busy restaurant a table alone..listening to music watching the one tv in the restaurant…it was showing an incredible slideshow of aerial shots of cities across the world…it would run through certain countries….it made it to America…Atlanta was on there…New York seemed like it stayed on there for ever…and it shows different shots of each city….San Fran was on there…AUSTIN, TEXAS was on there…that was actually a little bit of a suprise to me considering the larger cities they were showing across the world..…but hey..things are just speaking to me these days in weird ways. Another waiter…not mine..but another one came up to me at the end of the meal…I sat here for a while watching that screen…people started to leave..I ended up being the last of two tables…the other table had 8 people at and they were having a good time. Henry.. is his name…walks up to me and asks me what I was listening to…I just turned the phone around and showed whatever it was….it was “Respirate” by Pinegrove…actually its been a very helpful song…any reminder to breath in and out is a helpful thing. He recognized Pinegrove by their viral TikTok song “Need 2”….Funny Pinegrove said they were going to stop making music…these guys are close to my age…and then out of nowhere one of their songs blows up on TikTok…and puts them back on the map…and probably more than they ever were…I need to check to see if they decided to make more music.

Henry asked a good bit of questions…he was interested in what I was doing…he is 21 from the UK..he was holidaying here and ended up needing to make some money to prolong his trip…he’s got one tattoo…its a sleeve on his forearm…its really really cool. He’s inquisitive and curious. We shared different groups or artists we liked..finding common ground…he gave me a band to listen to as he had to keep working. It was Fontaines D.C. I had heard of them but never listened to them…I listen…I dig it..

Henry invited me to a local spot with some live music down the street later in the night…I meet up with Henry…he introduces me to about 8 people off the bat as soon as I get there. Everybody is cool…everyone knows everyone…the music is reggae…sung by English speaking filipinos lol…and then it kind of transitioned to…if you know a song come up and sing it and the band will play behind you…cool room..a dog walking around the venue/bar…

Talking to Henry outside…he said…something along the lines of….”I saw myself in you sitting over there by yourself listening to music….all my friends always make fun of me for doing that” very cool….and just the day before I got done writing about music helping me when I’m alone…so we had a great convo around it. The filipino band insisted we come up front and dance…it was funny…and fun. Henry and I were ambitious in planning our next day…we said…lets meet at 9:00 a.m. and go to hot water beach and cathedral rock and all that…he was going to show me some good spots…I leave before the night ended at the venue..Henry stayed back with friends…I walked home…and was like..crap..messaged Henry…we gotta do 10 am..I get a text a call at 9:30am…”aye mate….I ugh…I don’t think I can hardly make it”…I laughed cause I felt like calling and telling him the same thing…lol…I’ll go visit his restaurant later today and catch up. Great dude. My favorite thing he said all night…”Music is all we got mate…music is everything”…..lol…just freaking weird how perfectly it fit.

So a little slower start but I make it out to Hot Water beach around 11 this morning….on the way out here… and my brain is still churning from the last post…and feeling a little vulnerable as I let you all in…and the band I mentioned that began to take over as things began to get dark for me at 17-18…Brand New….I played them all night and all morning…and exploring old ones and reading why a few of the songs stood out to me at that young age…and thinking of the songs…in 2023 that I listened to and how those lyrics helped me as 28-29 year old.

Also…from the last post when I’m writing about the analogy of me laying on the concrete exhausted…in my mind I’m envisioning the album cover for Brand New’s first album..”You’re Favorite Weapon”..I had the record…it came out in 2001. Its a picture of a guy laying on what looks like the top of a car either on the interstate in traffic or beside the interstate….I have always seen myself in this picture…worn down…as the world exists around me. I think this next part is what I really wanted to talk about today. I’m not ready to move on from the music.

Jesse Lacey….I doubt many readers will know who he is as for some reason it seems the followers on this page are a wee bit older than me lol…btw…I don’t quite have a grasp on how many people are reading these blogs…It shows me stats like what countries have read the posts and it shows me an email address from each subscriber…I can tell who it is usually by their name in the email address itself…but some…I have no clue who they are and have never seen the name before…and then I’ve been reached out to by many who aren’t subscribed and following along……and the further along I get on this trip…and the international connections I’ve made….random countries are starting to pop up on the map of “readers”. I don’t think there are a ton of people reading…but I think there are some ppl reading…and as I get deeper in personal stories its becoming a little scarier to write…but I persist.

Jesse is the lead singer of Brand New. Jesse was “cancelled”. He sings all of the songs that helped me through…dark times..this man got it…he hurt too…it’s quite obvious that he hurt…go pick any song.. The older he got…the better his lyrics became…the darker his lyrics became..just like me…as I aged…the darker my world became. There is an obvious evolution in his writing from 2001 all the way to the last album in 2017. My favorite album…was… Your Favorite Weapon…but after many years listening to all of them….”The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me” seems to resonate the most….YFW was pure teenage angst for me….it had like this…revengeful tone to it….and TDAGARIM….reflected my depression to the fullest extent. TDAGARIM was revisited heavily when I turned 21,22,23…at 25, 26, and then again at 28.

Pause.

Unpause.

I felt a little cramped surrounded by ppl in this cafe..and especially with what is going through my mind on this one…I moved to a smaller table in the back by a window. There is a succulent to my left my view is of one picnic table with two older women sitting at it having a “juice” of some sorts…behind them…palm trees…ferns… gray clouds…and a hill of green trees. There are kids running around the restaurant with massive ice cream cones…there is a bee…looks more like something in the wasp family…they call everything a wasp here…. hovering around me…reminding me that there are things that can still hurt me…present.

I did stop for a second to walk around and think about how I want to go about this one…I noticed some beautiful fern leaves…small ones…but their features are sharp…beautiful…I picked up two that were laying in a puddle…on one side they are green..on the other..they are silver. They will be the last pictures I attach on this post.

So in 2017..I was at Bama…its late fall I think…I read online…”Brand New Cancel Tour After Singer Apologizes for Sexual Misconduct”…”cancel culture” was in full swing…a newer term for all of us around that time. One girl..spoke up…another girl spoke up. They have similar stories…Jesse is guilty..he admits he is guilty…he was 24 and the girls were 16 and 17 at the time..fans..following the band…in the early 2000’s is when this happened. I’m heartbroken at the news…for several reasons. I feel a million things at this news..more on that later. You can go read about if you want...there are lots of opinions out there on it. He was 24. Looking back through his lyrics I feel like I could tell he was already acknowledging it and putting in the work to fix it. I imagine he had regrets along the way. One sec

A lady named Sally just hung up a beautiful piece of art on the wall to my right…she needed a little help getting it on the wall..I helped her in centering…it’s for sale. I can’t quit looking at it. It’s called…”Beyond the Boundary”. ….another girl just walked by with I’m guessing her parents…she held her hand over the fence part of it…covering the bottom half of the photo…she said…I’d love this so much more if the fence wasn’t there. If she just paused for 30 more seconds…she would have seen that the name of it is “Beyond the Boundary”…and when you put that into perspective…the fence makes it even better!

Jesse got married around 3 years before the allegations I think…His wife is beautiful. Her name is Andrea. She loves Jesse unconditionally. I loved him for his music and bravery. and…I love how she loves him.

Pause.. I’m having a tough time with distraction on this one. I’m going to take a walk. Feel a little…a.d.d. ish today.

Still paused….this is going to be long and difficult to navigate. I’ll be back later.

Unpause..4 hours later..I think this is this first time where I have hesitated or struggled to put the words in the right order. Here we go.

I stopped for Pizza on the way home from Hot Water Beach..grabbed a coffee as well….the pizza was called…”A Chick called Brie” and it was amazing…I hate half..saved half for tomorrows lunch….on the box.. was a handwritten note in sharpie..”Enjoy this beautiful day” with a little sunshine and smiley…in the most beautiful handwriting… I asked the waiter if I could meet whoever wrote it to thank them….as I was having a hard day…a hard past few days. The employee who wrote it came out.. her name is leelo. We chatted for 5 minutes…she’s doing a little bit of soul searching as well…she said I could talk to her about anything if I needed. A couple high level things were mentioned but nothing serious…I just wanted her to know that I was grateful for her positivity and encouragement and that she brightened my day when I really needed. I told her to keep doing what she’s doing…because it’s helping. I’m thinking now I should have said …write it on every single pizza box idc how tired you arm gets…if you can handle it..do it. This pizza was the best of the trip btw. Even better than fat pipi pizza….the place is called The Pour House in Hahei on the Coromandel…next to Cathedral Rock. NEW ZEALANDDD

When I heard the news about Jesse..it crushed me. I knew that they would cancel him..I knew that there would be no more Brand New..I knew that there were victims who were hurt out there…I knew that Jesse was going to hurt again..and I knew that he had probably been haunted by it for many years. He deserved to get called out…and I hope the victims have made progress in their recovery.

Brand New goes quiet for years…I’m figuring out if I should even still be listening to their music…There are go to songs by them in certain situations that pop up in my life to help…how do I just abandon them? Do I have to? I never stopped listening. It didn’t take me long to decide.

I begin to think about Michael Jackson…who you probably heard one of his songs in the grocery store in the last week….who was a pedophile……and everyone in the world knew it….and people still worshiped him as it was happening right in front of their faces…so being the molested little boy I am….and seeing people still praise this man after he was dead was always really sickening to me…as I grew older I couldn’t stand Michael Jackson. Every time I heard him in my 20’s…it irked me. I hated him. I think me and my partner tried watching a documentary on it whenever it came out a couple years ago…she turned it off for me without me saying a word. She knew.. That meant a lot to me.

I’ve talked to girls who used to be fans of Brand New and decided to stop listening to them because of what happened. I get that. I really do. I’ve talked to many….many people that still listen..guys and girls. But I have to begin to think….are there lesser of the two evils…or is one of them evil and is one of them not?…(also…I know this road I’m walking down right here is dangerous..but I have to get it out there) Legally an adult who messes with someone under 18 is called a pedophile…no doubt. But I was sitting there thinking….and I’m trying really hard not to take away from teenagers who have been messed with…and the pain that goes along with that…but at 16 they let us drive vehicles on dangerous interstates…at 7 and 8 years old….we don’t even know what sex is..or how all these body parts work….I need to stop…I am a child victim and I still can’t put all the pieces together….and I know people who have been victims as teenagers. I feel like I’m trying to touch on cancel culture a little bit while doing three other things at the same time. This is where the stream of consciousness writing gets messy I think. Maybe I should plan out a little bit when I’m talking about things that involve other people. It’s all just wanting to come out…and I think it’s boiling over. It’s been boiling for awhile. I am on the team of the abused at all times. I want nothing more for people to get called out..so they can be held accountable..and the victim can get gain some type of closure. But…I am diving into the otherside to understand how and why things happen…and i’m working on forgiveness. screw it…I’m sticking to my guns.

The worlds most famous “King of Pop” is fucking with children right in front of our eyes…and he sells out stadiums across the world until the day he dies. I remember where I was…I was in Belize with my Mom on a mission trip. The kids started dancing like him in the streets. Hallelujah you piece of shit. Do I think that someone like Michael Jackson should have been castrated..I think I used to. Do I think Jesse Lacey should have been castrated? I never thought it once…I don’t think many others did either. The situations are extremely different as well…but I think I’m referring to people who have said…that all pedophiles should be castrated….and I disagree. See as I work on understanding the actions of others…and forgiveness…..which is by the way…just one of the absolute…toughest battles I’ve faced. pause

ugh…f me. Ummm alright so…I have to think….I know we are all imperfect….I am imperfect…I am so flawed in so many different ways…we all are..I am beautiful in so many different ways…just like all of you. Who is born evil…and who is born sick…or who was affected by things in their life that brought them to commit these terrible things. Are people even born evil…..I mean….you see Michael Jackson as that cute smiley kid dancing and singing growing up….we watched his entire life unfold before us….how is that sweet little kid singing “ABC” born sick. I believe that he got sick later as a product of his environment…should justice have prevailed and him be held accountable for his actions…100%. Like OJ getting away with murder drives me up the wall.

Guess what…there is no way to prove anything….and I am in between a rock in a hard place nowadays..I mean…they both went through extensive investigation and trials…deemed innocent. I wasn’t there…who am I to judge.

One of my favorite actors..Kevin Spacey…cancelled…but also acquitted..deemed innocent. ..I was pretty upset about this one when the news hit that he might be an abuser as well. The Usual Suspects was one of my favorites…Keyser Soze!! oops.

Do I think OJ did it..yes..do I think Michael molested children..yes…do I think Michael molested Macaulay Culkin…no..do I think Michael would have molested Macaulay if he wasn’t such a big star and have a greater risk of getting caught…and if Macaulay would have let him…yes….do I think that there was a part of Michael that found joy being around the kids and wanted to feel like a child again because he didn’t have a normal childhood…....yes…but he got it twisted.

I do believe Macaulay and I have always followed him…he was in my 2 favorite Christmas movies…he was young…he was famous really young…and I know its been rough at times…you see him…today and man…I am so happy for him. Katherine O’hara talking to him as he got his Hollywood Star is…is precious….I feel like the reader is thinking I read people magazine every day or something…no….these people have existed in our ears and on television and they are walking representations of real life situations..and we somehow get access to their lives…and we can’t help but to follow…I don’t read tmz or anything like that…I know that these people are human…and I feel sorry for most of them as…most of them don’t want all of the things that come with fame. But when I see someone out in the entertainment world with a story that shows resilience or something happened to them in their journey that is similar to mine…I follow along..and I root from the sidelines that they find peace. Give me…Brendan Fraser(gosh one of my favorite comebacks ever….he gets it)…give me Robert Downey Jr…..I love a comeback….give me Amanda Bynes…even Britney Spears…..each of them I think are still trying…I pull for these people…give me…Shia LaBeouf who is a beautiful person.

Kanye..mmmm idk….that one is tough..as empathetic as I am…I haven’t made it there yet…I still find a way to try and understand him….but hey….people get twisted…and it makes it hard to see the good.

Give me….Jelly Roll…..give me….Jesse Lacey.

It’s been 7 years since the allegations against Jesse. My favorite frontman of a band…ever. You heard that right Robert Plant. Rip Layne Staley…and Petey..keep singing. You haven’t and you won’t hear a peep from Jesse…even back then he wasn’t an out in the open guy with much..besides performing the songs he wrote…towards the end he had a microphone stand covered in flowers. Amazing.

He has an instagram account that is pretty locked down. I’d give anything to see it…but he wants privacy..and I respect that.

His wife…Andrea…has made a name for herself…based in Nashville..I’m not savvy in the terminology but..I think she’s on the fashion/styling side of things for artists.like..tailoring maybe? Her instagram is public…..she mainly posts about that…and the comments are usually from Brand New fans asking about Jesse…I imagine she has mixed feelings about that…and people will comment…about her husbands past…thats gotta suck too. But even I have felt an urge to comment……how is Jesse? But I don’t..there are already enough of those type of comments on there…I want Andrea to feel like she is more than just the wife of a famous artist as well..she is equally as special. And I worry that it’s probably inevitable for her to feel like people are just using her public page to get to him. Idk though. I do hope he reads the comments sometimes though to see how much he is still loved. And I hope Andrea feels loved reading the comments about her…and also the ones about her husband.

She has posted a few very sincere and vulnerable posts every now and then…she is quite the poet herself in my opinion. Damn I can’t quit crying…its been 3 days straight.

Last summer…she posted this message.

“I have decided today, with a heavy heart, to share the news of the death of our son, Miles, who we lost tragically in February of 2022. While we have grieved privately over the last year, we knew a time would come when we would share this in a broader way.

I do not have the words to explain the loss of a child, or how much he is missed. And I know we are not alone in our grief and the love we carry for our son. I believe that sturdiness comes with recognition, and hope that we, and everyone else who loved him, can continue to find healing in community.

We are forever grateful for our time with Miles and the lasting effect his love, intelligence, and gentleness has left on us.”

It broke my heart. For Andrea and Jesse..for their family. For many reasons. But one of the main thoughts….I just knew how much that man had been through….and again….he was kicked in teeth…tasting that blood again like I’ve talked about…how in the world do you keep going? The punches….are relentless…I can’t imagine the loss of a child….I do however know what its like to go through a life of traumatic blows though…and I think I cried when I found out the news that they lost their son. I imagine Andrea by his side keeps him going.

Two days before my 29th birthday in 2023….Andrea posted a picture of her and Jesse. I hadn’t seen a picture of him in years it felt like. He was older…he had a small… no teeth smile…Andrea by his side…her arm sits on his shoulder…like..she’s got him…and she’s happy to be with him…she supports him. I was crumbling at the time of my 29th birthday…my life was falling apart..and I saw the dude who helped me through so many hard times…smiling again. He’s got a salt and pepper beard. The caption on the photo reads

“We are older, grayer, wiser, stronger, softer, and still, loving, listening, forgiving, championing, supporting, and all the other good, hard stuff that makes life worth living. 10 years of marriage with my best friend*white heart emoji*”

If you think of the…on all 4’s crying in the shed…some of the music I was listening to was Brand New.

A week ago..I get back from a hike and a full day of no service…shower…sit on my hostel bed..open instagram…the first post I see….a post from Andrea. It’s a pic of her and Jesse. His beard is more full than last time..its got more gray in it..I love her facial expression in it..and his. The caption…just perfect

“Cause everybody gambles their gold

but I don’t wanna

when things get tough they just want to fold

but I don’t wanna

and nobody really likes getting old

but I kind of want to with you”

mmmmm I think the post started directing my thoughts in the direction they are at present day..I think it provided strength to finish this chapter out. I could see how some of this may come off as idolizing….I don’t idolize anyone

I give up. I cannot continue through this life alone….I’ve got to believe in something. I’m tired of fighting. I have blind faith. Put me on the bus Yancey.

I believe in a higher power. I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I believe in God. I understand this is a long road. I will still question..and will still struggle….but…I do believe….and I’m very scared…but I’m willing…and I’m going to try.

I believe that we are all born sinners. I don’t know if the devil takes form in people from birth…I believe in second chances. I believe in forgiveness. I give forgiveness to all of the things that have ever hurt me. All of the people. My abuser. The bullet from the gun that went through my foot as a kid, the squaric acid that burned my body alive, the uber accident, the betrayal, the world, I forgive myself, my self sabotage. I forgive. I start new. Thank you to those who have helped along the way. Thank you to all of you who have helped…and not forced..but helped with this decision. Thank you to my parents and brother. Thank you Thomas….and thank you Marchant Young. I love you Marchant.

I don’t do this to brush my mistakes under the rug..my wrongdoings. I do this…because Zack Houston will not survive…if he doesn’t forgive…and live a full…meaningful..and purposeful life.

I have people in my life who don’t believe..and thats okay. I will never turn my eyes away from you because of it. You can believe in whatever you want. I will never desert you. I will never give up on you. Please do not give up on me. I have to do what is best for me…and I’m at a point in my life…where I don’t see any other solution but this if I want to keep living. I don’t know if thats a good reason or not to do this but I am dying if I don’t do something. I don’t know how to do any of this.

If you listen to Thriller or Man in The Mirror and sing all of the words…..I don’t think you are a bad person. Oh you’re a pedophile just like him if you listen to his music! Get out of here with that crap.

If you need to separate the art from the artist..then do that. or the easiest thing is to not listen if thats what helps. I can forgive…but I don’t have to hangout with the things that hurt me.

I think I have found myself in a weird situation with the whole separate the art from the artist…conversation. I am still navigating this one..and I never want to hurt anyone with an opinion of mine…but I’m kind of at a point where…I can’t tip toe around everyones feelings…its impossible…and I don’t even know how this sounds..or if some psychologist professor will strike me down and label me as this or that..but I feel a little entitled to form my own opinions…because I have lived through it. This is such an incredibly tough topic and its been very difficult for me as a victim of child abuse..and then trying to help others…and then seeing injustice and false accusations as well in the world. This world is so messed up.

I will never have a chance to see my favorite band Brand New perform in my life. You could bring back Led Zepplin from 1969 playing at Red Rocks…or Alice In Chains from 94 at the Masquerade…but I will take Brand New at Aisle 5 any day of the week. I would give anything to see that. I wish Jesse Lacey peace. I appreciate my friend Jesse Lacey…at times….he felt like my only friend. I was going to name this post Hot Tears, God, Evil, Forgiveness, Andrea, and Jesse. But I decided on this one. I just hope to give him a hug one day…and a sincere thank you.

Thank you Andrea for your unconditional love to Jesse. I see he has your maiden name in his name as well. He has unconditional love for you as well I can tell. Thanks for sharing the positivity and pictures of our friend.

I am so thankful for New Zealand…for room to breathe. I have one week left. I’m coming home friends.

All I want in this life is peace…love…and to be surrounded with happiness. Give me family.. Give me rest. Give me travel…Give me laughter….give me peaceful sleep... give me no more worrying.. give me less tears... give me love... give me a dog lol... give me friends. I want to be loved like Jesse. Give me an Andrea.

If you are out there Jesse and Andrea. I want to say thank you for providing this 29 year old broken boy…hope….and I hope bringing up the past doesn’t hurt you…I’m sorry if it does…I’m just trying to explain so much and y'alls story…happens to be apart of my story as well. I’m just trying to help others and myself.

Goodnight. I have a long road ahead of me. I am nervous. But tonight I go to sleep and.…I believe that I am not alone tonight. I don’t know where I’m going to go tomorrow or what town I’ll be in.…maybe I’ll ease up on the next post..and tell you about a cool tree branch or cafe I come across….but probably not…I have more to say. I have another area of my life that finding Zack needs to address. The bad parts of Zack. We are almost done.

I’m having hard time pressing send on this one..but I must. I have added a couple pictures of a couple tiny fern leaves…on each of them there are a couple pieces missing..but they are both…still very beautiful….just like me. Imperfect..and beautiful.

Much love….Z

My 3 favorite Brand New songs…..in order of when they became meaningful to me.

-Seventy Times Seven-”I hope there’s ice on all the roads..and you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt”

-Sowing Season-“I’m just a man that knows how to feel”

-You Won’t Know-“Now even if I lay my head down at night…after a day I got perfectly right”