Gooooooooooooddddd Morningggg Vieeetttnammm

The luke warm water is slowly creeping down into the drain. My naked body is revealing itself. I see old scars appear..I haven’t seen them in a while..I notice my chest hair for the first time in years..it’s not much different than I remember..but it’s still there. I notice that I’m an aging man. I’m young. I’m 29. But my body has changed, my mind has changed, and my life has changed. As the water drains out..I sit bare naked in a motel bathtub..I haven’t taken a proper bath in probably a year or 2. Ruby Haunt plays in the background..echoing in the tiny bathroom..the song playing is “sanctuary” by Ruby Haunt. I completed my first paid working day since December 29th, 2023. Life that I’ve known..is uprooted. I look at my feet..and I’m thankful for my feet. My feet have taken me many places and allowed me to do and see many things. My brain is stronger than it has ever been. My brain tells my feet to step left..right..left..and right again. But the grand realization is the growth within my heart..and within my soul. My brain thinks and executes my decision making..but my heart…my soul…is the engine…and my soul….is hardened, experienced, resilient, and full. My soul powers me through each and every waking day.

Two nights ago I made my bed in my motel room. I will live here for at least 5 months. There are two beds in the room. A chest of drawers, tv above, a microwave, and a small vanity/sink with a small toilet/tub shower annexed. The bed that was chosen for me is closer to the bathroom away from the window. It’s a twin. The sheets/towels/pillows are neatly folded on the bed. The bed sits about 3 feetish above the ground..providing room to place belongings underneath. I unpack one suitcase. Set them to the side on the carpet. I folded them. Zack doesn’t normally do this.

I see two of each on the bed…fitted sheet..pillow cases..top sheets..etc. I start with the fitted sheet…I get two corners down…I slow down..a wave of perspective overwhelms me..I lay my head down on the bare mattress…my previous life flashes before my eyes. I’m starting over. Zack Houston is 29..and he is starting over. Zack Houston is going from a rushed white picket fence life with a wife and two dogs in a fenced in yard…to a motel room with a roommate. It isn’t quite the sad feeling you might think that I would have…it is just a real..understanding and reality hit…I knew that it would come. Life is beginning again for Zack. A new lease on life..and it is starting from scratch. But guess what…..

I..don’t…mind…it…one bit. I embrace it with every part of my being. My soul drives me forward. My heart drives me forward. My mind makes the decisions forward and my feet are the tried and true boots on the ground..that move me forward.

Poor Zack…he’s so pitiful…boo….fucking…hoo……he has to start over. He is a “heartbroken” boy born with a leg up in life having to “rough it” all of the sudden.

Damn right. I am a heartbroken white boy from Georgia…born with a leg up. I don’t need your sympathy and I don’t deserve any sympathy.. I know how blessed I am. I also know that I have been through some shit…some self imposed shit…and some unfortunate out of my control shit….

I am starting over yes…I spent most of my money in NZ. I’m going back to square one…but hey…how lucky am I to have been able to experience all of these amazing things and places in life…I’ve been able to attend university..I’ve been able to get help settling into my original city..Atlanta. I’ve been able to be provided with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE from loved ones. Shoutout Mom and Dad. Even when I didn't deserve it. I’ve experienced unconditional love from many…when I didn't deserve it.. I’ve never had to worry about a roof not being above my head or how or when my next meal would be. Have I ever had to live in fear of a bomb crashing into my home? Have I ever been in fear of starving to death? Have I ever been on the frontlines face against an enemy that wants to wipe me..and people like me…off the face of the earth..that want to spit on me and destroy me and everything I know…no. No…I have not.

I have a resume…I’ve had jobs..I’ve had experiences..my mind has grown through all of these experiences…I wouldn’t be able to take this bath tonight in the prettiest part of the country without…a leg up. I am grateful…to my core…I’m not guilty..I am grateful. I am blessed.

Am I not a human too? I believe that I don’t deserve anything in this life…I don’t believe that any of us deserve anything…but one thing. I believe that we all deserve peace/happiness.

And I believe…in…my own pursuit of happiness…and I believe on helping others in their pursuit of happiness. And I will use all of these wonderful blessings in my life to help both parties achieve….happiness. All of this….every single word of all of this…is a pursuit of happiness….and I am relentless…to achieve it for myself…and you.

I have said in a couple posts back…that I was going to lay out the bad parts of Zack…I think part of that might be helpful…but I also think I have done so much work on all of those bad parts…and acknowledged all of them…I’ve even written them down on tiny notebooks that stay on my person….As vulnerable and revealing as I am…I think its best for me to work on those behind the scenes..because If I lay them all out on here..the release will feel good…but I think it might be more damaging for me…its a shame thing…and shame is my enemy. I fight him alone every day…and I tell you what…..I’m winning…day after day. But I understand the power of shame…and I need to be careful. I’m not out of the woods yet.

In a vulnerable paragraph here…I will tell you..I’ve been fighting a war….with anti depressants. I have seen the positive and negative effects of them….and not like instant anxiety reliever like a Xanax…but more of a longer slow release drug. An anti-depressant that takes a while of daily intake to reap the benefits…..I’ve been through several cycles of being on and off of this one. The build up to it is interesting and the come down is interesting…it unfolds for weeks sometimes months. I am an adovocate for doing what is best for you…and anti depressants have 100% helped me…but as I age….I have reached a stage where I don’t want to rely on a mind altering chemical that hasn’t been around for awhile in order to function. I have been inching closer to holistic methods for some time now…and I’ve been terrified to quit taking the little pill every single morning…because I know how rough it can be on the comedown…..

but this comedown…and I’m doing it in more of a strategic way this time…I’m tapering off…I have been for a couple months…cold turkey is very Zack Houston usually…but I’ve learned that hard lesson too many times.

I believe this go around of coming down…I’m more prepared…but also…my should is in a much better place…I’m eager to attack this life in the most natural Zack Houston way possible..I’ve already started doing it….like I said..not out of the woods…but I’m feeling good….because…I’m in attack mode.

Attack mode…like…attack this 2nd chapter in life…like its the only chapter you will ever have again….love harder..live harder…forgive the unforgivable…rid yourself of all of the resentment for others and yourself…opening your mind to ideas and people…that differ to anything you’ve ever known…..humans…loving humans…loving yourself..also a human!

Closing………………

I have about 3 days of my NZ trip that I would still like to cover…I’m going to write them when I settle in. and then I’ll recap what NZ did for me and how that trip was the most important trip of my life.

I will keep writing as I live in this new chapter but I would expect a little less about the details of what i’m doing or who I’m meeting. I’d like to keep things somewhat anonymous and for myself. The writing is going to transition to more….internal mental health thoughts……broad compared to the NZ writing but still releasing the inner thoughts on here in detail…but with less details about my interactions and places.

I will tell you this one specific detail. I have chosen to live in a place for a few months that closely resembles many parts of what I saw in NZ. The first mountain I ever skied was here. It was steep. I was 10. My grandparents, mom, brother, and uncle came out here. My uncle took me to the top on day 2 of ever skiing….scared to death….day 3 was gaper day….it was my spring break. I was pizza stopping on black diamonds with locals skiing shirtless down the mountain…I loved…every..single bit of it…

The next summer we came out here again with more family members to visit a national park..called Yellowstone.Stayed in town again. We woke up for sunrise one morning to go check out a pack of wolves….well we found the wolves..and we watched them from a distance take down a young elk…engrained in my memory…wildlife..doing what wildlife does…..surviving. I appreciate the theme of survival. Always have. and In my mind…ever since attempting suicide…thats all I’ve tried to do…is survive.

Furloughed during covid in 2020…rented a car in Glacier national park…drove down exploring the states for a few weeks solo……stopped in the town where I first skied….jumped off the mountain with a guy attached to my back…paragliding…scared of heights….loved it.

Visited several times over the past couple years with friends. Fell in love with the Mountain West even more…dreamt of living here…assumed that my opportunity had passed me by.

Life throws you a curveball….like batting with 3 curveballs coming towards the plate….you just want to drop the bat and take the L at that point…but na….you strikeout…sit in the dugout and get ready for the next at bat.

Step back up to the plate…swing and miss on the first pitch…next one is a ball….the next one that crosses the plate you are going to smack it…here it comes…you might get kicked off the team if you don’t do something…so you swing…you slap it down the right field line…rounding first..adrenaline going…right fielder is good..he guns it to 2nd..you slide in…safe…he tags you on the helmet but you are already safe and sound on the bag….you didn’t hit out of the park…but you are in play. You are proud of yourself. You are in attack mode.. You decide to live the rest of your life in attack mode…you don’t have to hit homers..just put it in play…and keep walking back up to the plate.

Jackson, Wyoming might not be my final stop…but for once in my life…I’m putting it in play…and living…doing what I want to do. I’m making dreams come true….I’m putting Zack at number 1 priority for the first time in my life….and I haven’t given up on you..I promise….This is a pursuit of happiness…and I’m starting it in the place that little Zack has always dreamed of doing it in.

Keep on living with me. I love you..I love you future Zack.

“What I am is what I am

Are you what you are or what”

Much love.