In My Room

-PSA. This post is all over the place and takes place over the course of 3 weeks. It starts on May 25th. Trigger warning…lastly…Couldn’t be happier in this stage of my adventure and while I write about the past..I am in the present and planning for the future…I promise you ;)..this is a long read..and I’m glad you are here…take care of yourself….we are about to go on a ride-Zack Dallas Sun Jun 16 10:25 a.m. Jackson, Wyoming-

Hi. I’m in my room. To be specific.. I’m in the bathtub again. I keep the water about navel high. Before I get in… I turn the knob all the way to the left… piping hot. Do some tidying in the “room” as the tub fills up. Because for the first time in my life I feel obligated to do the smallest productive thing I can do..over.. and over again. A fresh start. An urge to just get something right!!!

The motel bathtub fills up bellybutton high.. still.. piping hot… almost steam coming off the top.. maybe it’s an optical illusion. You can just tell it’s hot. I do ease in.. let it slowly burn as I creep into the water.. It hurts. I treat it like a cleansing.. sometimes like a punishment. As voluntary as it is.. it’s the mildest form of self-harm.

Self-harm.. I was never a s…

Pause..oh boi.. we are all in for a long post.

Unpause..hopped out of tub and got in clean comfy clothes to discuss the following.

Woof. Sooo… self harm.. this was not my intention to talk about this tonight. But the burning from the 2-3 baths that I’ve been taking every day brought me here. I’ve never been a bath person. More of a long hot shower with my head leaned up against the wall. I guess I would punish myself with piping hot water when I was feeling shameful about something.. I would see how much my back could handle as I slowly turned the knob to the left…until it felt like fire ants.

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all the above was written a couple nights ago. I slammed the laptop shut as I could tell it wasn’t beneficial to dive further into where it was headed.

Writing from a cafe in town before work later this afternoon.

The hot baths.. the meaning behind them.. in a clear minded.. not in an upset state.. I can explain. I just took another one last night. I look forward to it every day.

It doesn’t burn your skin like in a harmful way.. yes the sensation burns. And not every bath it’s the really really hot one. But lately is has.

the thought process.. is burning away the shame, pain, and past. Like I’m feeling the burn one last time and shedding away the shame, pain, and past. Burning it off of me. Moving on from the things that haunt me every day.

Like that embarrassing thing I did at that wedding one time, or the thing that physically hurt me, or the heartbreak and loss of people.

I’ve felt a little like a nomad since last October… sleeping in lots of different beds and places.. living out of a bag. And finally.. I get to live in a place of my own here. For now.. I’m sure I’ll get a roommate eventually but for now.. I have a tiny place of my own. It feels really really good to just.. sit still in your own 4 walls again.. even if it’s an old motel room. It’s a small price to pay.. to begin my fresh start in a beautiful place. I am very content in here.

So finally getting to a place of my own.. and then coming down from the anti-depressants, slowing down in settling into a place with no intention of leaving anytime soon.

I’m noticing a lot of emotions and thoughts catching up with me. Like the fast paced travel in New Zealand was able to spring me into thought patterns a certain way.. this slowing down is doing it in a different way. And it’s a mix of starting fresh in a new place and all of the excitement that comes along with it.. mixed with leaving the old life(people, places, and things).. and then the third part.. the toughest.

I’m getting closer to the full swing of the comedown from the medicine. It’s like a shroud of dust is.. shroud.. what the hell is a shroud. Is it cloud?

Okay yes it is cloud of dust.. idk why shroud came to my head. Idk but the fog is receding and I can see all of these things again.. and I can feel all of these things again.. even though I’ve always felt them.. now I’m feeling them more intensely. My dreams are throwing all parts of my life into one As well. It’s a lot.

I’ve been able to feel productive for the first time in a while and that gets my brain really working hard. High brain activity lately.. very stimulated. I think kids nowadays call it big brain energy or something.

I’m feeling more like myself again though at the same time.. as hard as the one side of the comedown is.. and this is just Prozac btw but after years on it.. there is significant shift when getting off of it. But I’m beginning to feel like Zack again… it’s weird.. I’m now older and wiser than the last time I felt like this. The second.. shoot maybe this is the 3rd chapter of Zack. Im in it now.. and I’m choosing who I want to be and what I want to do. Im envisioning a life in front of me. And all of it is promising but I’m scared to death.. I think I’m just freaking traumatized from head to toe.. all my mind does is.. wow look at how far you’ve come.. look at where you’re at. Look at what you’re doing.. look at what you are going to do in the future! The world is yours.. but oh wait guess what.. you’re about to either screw yourself or the world is about to screw you. So don’t get your hopes up too high buddy cause something bad is coming and it will be here soon.

Like… I can’t help it. I fight it daily. It’s like.. all of this is too good to be true and your life is about to be destroyed again.

So I take the hot bath.. in an attempt to burn off those thoughts and bring myself to present day. Burn off the past so that we can focus on the present moment and work towards happiness. This process has to happen in order to move forward. I have to rid myself of all of theses demons. I’m fighting every single day and night. After years of fighting with little effort.. or tools. This time I’m determined.

And shit part of it.. is revisiting and just grinding through it.. and burning it off and watching it go down the drain and then getting up the next day walking out the door to start a brand new day.. come back home and burn off more.

———————————————————been writing this since last Saturday I think. Hoping to finish today……I would like to move on and talk about other things….but as I type this I… kid you not…there is a guy with his buttcrack way way out over there..and that brought a smile to my face hahahaha…..dude its like two whole cheeks…toughing the metal of the chair. Tourist cheeks is what we will call them.

Alright so continuing on with that sentence before the line.

I’m feeling extremely clear at the moment. Just left the spa…I get a discount..spent a little over 2 hours in there…I'm off today and tomorrow. I can’t remember the last time I pampered myself….I mean it might have been like a couple years ago…at this exact place. idk. irrelevant. I slept in for the first time living out here…I think it was like noon when I woke up…watch a little bit of a western on the tv…room is a little more piled up with dirty clothes…I better get it done tomorrow. Come on little Zack you can do it…just put them in a bag..walk around the corner…and dump them in the wash…come back an hour later..switch them to the dryer….come back in another hour..take them to your room and fold them little shits. Put them in their respective homes below the tv..and pat yourself on the back..because you’re a big boi now.

So in the spa I used all of the amenities they offered..had a great massage with a great therapist..I feel my ribs…and see myself in the mirror. I’m a little underweight…nothing drastic but I can feel it for the first time in a while. I’ve noticed my appetite decrease significantly…I tell you…in NZ there were days where I didn’t eat a single thing…and it didn’t bother me…of course I would be starving when I woke up…but I was just in my head and out in the world in a new place…that I hardly paused to fuel my body. Not good…but it is what it is…

I’m at about one meal a day right now. It’s a free meal which is great. But I need to start working my way up to two meals a day…I think I’ll feel a little healthier by doing that(duh)…..also being in NZ I was so freaking active every single day…and now I’m active every single day here ..at work…and off work. I’m moving if I’m not in the bathtub, in my bed, or ok…let’s be honest…in a restaurant…trying to make friends..on a barstool.

I remember on the ramp up of this medicine….that my appetite started to grow..as it all was kicking in and circulating through my system daily…so I imagine coming off of it….is the opposite..idk…you ask anyone that knows me..I’ve never really eaten much. Fast metabolism I guess…or just lack of effort in taking care of myself….putting more stuff in my brain than in my stomach…or my liver.

So……crap..I’m just so all over the place…my mind races from this to that ..and back to this…and it’s uncontrollable. I think……I think….I think I’m in a fever dream…I’m not really sure what the definition of that term is….but it sounds like it is fitting my situation….and I think I’ve been in one since about mid Feb 2024. I think I’m actually getting near the end of the fever dream. Before the fever dream…shoot I wish my vocabulary was more extensive than it is…idk the word for what I was in….I mean…I guess just call it….existential crisis….Major…major..major depression. Fucking depression.

I feel myself inching closer to peace. It’s coming motherfucker. But I’m not out of the woods yet.

The inspiration for this blog came from a song I listened to on my 30+ hour drive out west. I don’t know how I found it…I think it popped up in my discover weekly. idk.

pause…

unpause...wait one sec.

just hopped on the bus to town..sitting in the last row in the back looking towards the driver..no one on the bus….it says at the front..lit up in orange….Thu 30th May 07:02 PM

I was taking a picture of the mountain through a window…sitting in a jacuzzi. Phone slipped…water splashed..phone crashed. I tried putting it in rice….it won’t charge now. lol….I haven’t had a phone issue since 2016. I feel like I did in my late highschool early college years….just screwing up phones left and right. The bus says 07:05…I’m still the only one on…my Spotify is working from my laptop…I think it’s going to cut off when I leave the wifi of the village. I’m headed to town to meet a friend who has patiently waited for me to arrive in town. Sushi here we come. Ride should take about 45ish minutes maybe?

Since I’ve started writing this blog last Saturday I have become increasingly more sentimental by the day..by the hour.

Although..if clocked in it…it all turns off. And I get into hustle mode..and I love it. Absolutely love who I am in hustle mode. Production…get the job done and do more than you are even paid or asked to do…production….hardcore production.

The feeling I get running around reminds me of how I felt when I worked at the country club in Tuscaloosa for the Summer. It was my senior year at Alabama. Going into a 5th year. A victory lap. Most of my friends had left town and graduated….moved on…and shitty boy Zack was still around…but I needed money so I wanted to switch it up from the typical Zack job in college…they usually sucked. But this one involved people at the country club…My first day..I made $7.50 an hour..2 days later..I was making $10 an hour as a “shift leader” lol. I think I was 22 years old. and I was depressed…very depressed..my gf at the time had graduated at the time and moved back to her home in NC. My best friends were gone…I had about 5 friends or so around.….I take that back..I had a good bit of friends…but I always had alot of friends(blessed).

The bus is moving…estimated arrival is 44 min. We are about to knock this bad boy out. My Spotify is still working through the laptop without wifi.Thats a win.

So I’m working as a server at the country club pool….mingling, networking, and I felt something I never felt before….it was grind mindset…like a hustler mindset…even though I hustled at my previous jobs…but this one…I was able to interact with a little bit of a wealthier clientele of the city…and work alongside other students experiencing depression and anxiety and uncertainty..We were going through it together. I didn’t sleep around that time and I didn't eat around that time…except for the free chicken fingers with honey mustard….oooooowweeee I did love those. Later in the summer Chef Brett had an entire smoked pig out by the pool…he let me have the first bite..it was the cheek meat…and that was his way of thanking me for my hard work…and it meant a lot to me. and it was delicious. Never had it before…I never knew that the cheek was where the special stuff was….

but working that summer….I loved running around that pool and club serving ppl. I loved getting to know my coworkers and I loved making peoples days better than when they arrived.. genuinely…of course I need cash to live and party in town but I genuinely loved serving the members.. The kids..I loved the kids at the pool. I always knew how to talk to the k5 aged kids cause my mom was a kindergarten teacher at my school and I was able to interact with them every week…but at this pool there was a group of 12-15 year olds I got to interact with…they would mess with each other trying to buy stuff on their friends member number…they had their little teenage drama…and their lives were mostly innocent…they were coming of age and figuring it out…learning…they loved asking me all the college questions…the guys wanted to know all about the inner workings of being a part of a fraternity……….when I was their age….I remember doing the exact same thing….and I wish…at 22..talking to those teenage boys at the pool….that I knew what I know now.I feel like I might have been able to save at least one person some trouble in the future..maybe more idk..but I was 22…in the grand scheme thats not a very long time on earth…but at 22…..I had already experienced so much shit that I do think I might have provided a little bit of advice that might have helped them….at 15….alot of things go in one ear and out the other…I know that very well…but you still put it in their ears in hopes they hang on to something…because as little as they know….it very well could help steer them in a safer a path…a fruitful path. Teenage angst baby…I was so advanced and a little fucked up by the time I reached their age. and it all exploded when I turned 18. But look…I’m typing to you from the otherside of the country on Thu May 30th at 07:31 PM….you better believe I’m still alive…and I’m fucking strong at 29 years old…I’m thankful to be here.

So yes I’m seeing similarities in my work ethic and grind…because well…I’m back at the bottom again..starting over…just like I was that summer. I remember having long and deep conversations with my friend Courtney Whitehead…she was from Tuscaloosa and we befriended each other the first year of college. She helped me through that long hot summer. She helped me through many long hot summers matter of fact. I lost a little touch with her when I moved to Atlanta…I didn’t even invite her to my wedding years later. She messaged me asking what happened to our friendship and felt a little left behind…and I felt so bad. So bad. Me and her battled many demons and things..and substances. We always tried to help pull each other up…and then I got distracted with a new life…and I unintentionally left Courtney in the dust. I need to pause.Fuck me.

Un pause.

Courtney lost her battle about a week or so after she messaged me. She died alone in her apartment. and I cry..yet again…still on this fucking bus..and I should have done so much more. She was a beautiful person and I left her behind. and I regret it every day..I got married 2 months after she left us. I hope to see her again one day.RIP old friend.

That summer at the pool…there was a lifeguard at the pool..named Reid. He had just returned from the army overseas..he saw some stuff..he was older than me…and just trying to get an education at Alabama…Shoot he might have been 30. He liked alot of the emo shit that I liked. We bonded there…and then we bonded over depression….and we grabbed drinks one night…talked…started a tiny friendship. One day at work he asked what I was doing that night…he wanted to hang..I said…ah I gotta work again at 7:30 am so might just chill at the house.

I didn’t chill at the house…I changed my mind..met up with longtime friends at innisfree…there was Reid…sitting at the bar by himself..in a crowed room of college kids much younger than him…and there is me…I’m guessing I might be the only one he knows in town…I knew he lived alone. And I walk in smiling and partying with friends…I see him..I speak to him…I’m drunk..he says he’s “just doing ok”…”bored”…he’s taking shots at the bar alone…….and I have an opportunity to pull up a seat next to him and chat…and I don’t…instead I go play pool with friends off to the side…I don’t even think to invite him over…this isn’t Zack…Zack was lost that night…like I was many nights.

Work rolls around…Reid is nowhere to be found. Another day goes by…he’s not there. I have a bad feeling. I talk with whoever is in charge of me…a wellness check begins. Boss comes back that afternoon. Crying. He found Reid in his apartment. Brutal. My boss said he’s walked in on 5 friends dead before this…he quit not long after that. I never knew if the Members even knew this happened…but the staff did. and it was weird..it was tough….it rocked my fucking world. I nose dived.

Courtney and Reid are two people that come to mind often…and they affect my day to day interactions..and how I operate with the people in my life. I try to bring a smile to every one I encounter..and I look out for clues..and I stay vigilant..and do what I can..but alot of it is out of my control…and sometimes…well…you just can’t see the signs.

So what do we do……we stay open about our feelings, thoughts, and experiences….., we lookout for others, and we try to bring a smile to as many faces as we can…because we never fucking know. And if you’ve read any of the blogs…..then you know I’ve lived every single..fucking.. bit of it.

So I sit here…

oof…

So I’m arriving to sushi….I will finish this when I get home tonight. We have one more thing to cover. Pause

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Haven’t opened up my laptop since such. I also lost a few paragraphs. idk what happened. That has happened a few times since starting this writing…it sucks..its like I was able to get something out of my head out into the world..and its raw..its not like I’m writing all of this down separately and then editing it and turning it in for a grade…its usually…just like right now…just open up laptop and let your fingers work…and if It becomes too much I hit save..and close the laptop.

Getting ready for a work in a few hours. Been very busy lately..and I was having hard time with a few things at night trying to sleep but I’ve moved on through those things and we are good.

I think this whole process…this entire move..mixed with all of the wonderful things and places, without the medicine, coming off the medicine, and then a mild grieving process of leaving people, places, and things behind…..its a fever dream. Maybe I already mentioned that above..I don’t go back and read them until weeks after they are published. I think if I am repeating things then I imagine those things most be pretty forefront in my head and that I’m still working through it.

So the current state……is extremely happy, curious….almost like wanderlust. I am breathing a lot….my mind is opening….and I’m doing what I always dreamed of..and I thought the opportunity had passed me by…well surprise little Zack..its right here.

and the other part of the current state is like a grieving process….of course its my choose to move away…you have to sacrifice things in order to take care of number one for once in your life…but along with it…like I woke up in the middle of the night and was looking in front of me at the foot of the bed…and my dogs..Petey and Bode were looking at my through the side door window waiting for me to get home or to let them out to pee and poop all over the yard lol…and they would both get treats…Bodhi always got an extra one behind Petey’s back…because well…Bodhi had lived a hard life and he deserved.

Another example…I see my friends faces in my dreams..even during the day. Faces of my family.

and I know…I’m never moving back east. The scenic beauty out west does too much for my soul and I can’t afford to not take care of my soul. The west has always taken care of my soul….and especially…Wyoming and Montana. I will travel the world..but I know I’ll be calling the mountain west home……why would I leave something that makes me happier than any where else I’ve ever lived.

So…its like yea I can talk to my people through this damn phone..and short visits from time to time…but I’ll never live with them again.

I see pics of my people getting married, engaged, pregnant, girl/boy, and I would normally be right there..but those days are officially over ..I’m gone. and I’m thrilled and filled with joy for everyone at the same time! But for now it hits pretty hard.

Like this damn phone I tell you…..when it wasn’t working for a half day last week….how refreshing was that…I loved it…and ya I noticed some little world inconveniences…like when I went to call an uber…or when I met someone who was from near I was and I went to show them a pic of a place we had in common…and then….the biggest…was Spotify..I wasn’t able to have my music when I wanted…and I don’t wandering this world with my ears open listening to my surroundings but…..I love my music..and while wandering this world..it soothes me..but also opens up my mind even more..a mix of both is good. Anyways one part of the phone sucks….

“hey Zack Dallas, check out this photo from 7 years ago”

“Here are ‘pet friends’ from Summer 2023”

“On this day you were together”

How do you stop all of this shit someone pls help me change the settings or something..

Facebook memories..fuck you

I’ve already hashed through it enough and I don’t need to be reminded every single day about an old life. I know where the pictures are if I want to reminisce. and I’m not going to delete them because it is apart of my history…whether is a pic of an 8th grade gf or an ex-wife or a pic of me doing something stupid in college…idc…why hide who I am and what I’ve done. I know who I am right now.

So yea I want to throw my phone in the water daily….but my phone takes pictures and helps me cement memories, it provides me music, it provides me quick answers to questions that I need to know quickly…..and most importantly…it helps connect…me…to ….you….and I don’t ever want to not be able to connect with you.

The Braves are playing a day game on the tv over there..didn’t even notice…they are playing Boston…I love when the braves play Boston…my dream is to watch the braves play the redsox in the World Series in Fenway park…if it ever happens…chances are low…but if it does…I will be in those little green seats in an old ball park..in a historical city in late October…watching my team play another classic team…lol..I got engaged in Boston. World Series would be a cool memory to make there now.

Like Jimmy Fallon in the movie Fever Pitch..I was no where near as big of a braves fan like Jimmy’s character in the movie….but I understood his character deeply. I can’t wait to meet Jimmy…I’ve watched him my whole life..and even got a high five from him last October in NYC. I’ll share a beer with him one day. Thanks Jimmy.

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I think I started writing this blog 10 days ago at this point.

By July I’ll have two jobs, a roommate, and hopefully more cash in my pocket. Restaurant and hotel work. Love it. I hope to have friends. I think I will. I hope to work through this grieving process and the shedding of all of the shame, guilt, and pain that I discussed in the beginning of this post.

This post has been named “In My Room” before I even wrote the first sentence. and the post was aimed to be short…but everything rushing to my head all at once…needed to get out here…and all of it fell under what I consider “In My Room”.

The song “In My Room” found its way through my accord speakers somewhere in southern Illinois maybe..I had just spent the night with my best buds in Nashville and I was headed to Jackson..my next stop was Lincoln…I think that drive from Nashville to Lincoln was like 11 hours. I stopped once in Kansas City and had some amazing wings at a place called…shoot…what is it…see there you go..now I gotta go back in my phone and look through my texts with Lindsay and Fonz to find out the name of it….Peanut! Great place!

On this 11 hour drive…the life I was leaving behind was in the rearview mirror. *as I type this..a picture of Jalen Hurts is sitting directly in front of me..I like Jalen..he’s cool…and well that reminds me of bama*…my life is fading behind me on the horizon and a new one is beginning…I’m excited…and I’m crying 30 minutes late. and then I’m windows down blasting my favorite songs and hour late…and those emotions trade places…just like they do every day out here.

“In My Room” was played during one of the two feelings experienced on the long…life altering road trip..like Chistopher Mccandless…just fucking heading out west.

You can play “In My Room” by Medium Build now if you want…not every lyric resonates..but it does create thought…about …my childhood..like the beginning when the dad gets home after a long shift and takes the tv remote from the kid…in fact..when my dad got home…we would choose together what we wanted to watch..guess what it was….The Atlanta Braves…in my parents room I remember the Andy Griffith show in black and white playing while every decompressed from a long work or school day.

But there are parts of the song that started to remind me of me when I was growing up..and how my middle class life was unfolding….and then I listened a few more times…and started to see how the artist is writing this from a little brothers perspective.

My little brother is Garrett..he is 4 years younger..and I was a shitty older brother from about 8-21 years old.

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Back again…I noticed throughout the first few weeks that I began to take on too much and that each time I went to write in this laptop that I had to fight back tears..and I think that was for many reasons..so I would close it for that or I just didn’t have time..I have already transitioned and processed through so many things in the month that I’ve been here…I move much faster through things now that I have the tools and experience of dealing with this stuff…not ignore or avoid…we don’t do that anymore…but tools to help me efficiently move through it..rather than drown and dwell in and on it..so I have another blog coming that begins to breathe life back into this website and me. Positive and present.

For now though…I was once an asshole brother.

Garrett has been on my mind this year and now that I’ve moved away and he is hitting these milestones it feels like time is fleeting and I know I won’t be seeing him much moving forward…I won't be seeing many of my people much moving forward.. Garrett is funny, loving, messy, sweet, handsome, athletic, enthusiastic about hunting/fishing, a butcher, a lineman, a baseball pitcher, smart, and loved by all around him…including his older brother Zack.

I know sibling brothers have the normal brother things…bickering..and picking on…but I think I took it to another level…not like the worst ever level…but it just wasn’t right.

There were good times to.. but he looked up to me and all I did was cut him down. I imagine I hurt his self-esteem. I knew what to say to cut deep.. I knew exactly how to get under his skin. And then it was the classic wrestling that turns into someone hitting each other. My parents would say… one day he’s going to grow up and be the same size as you and get you back one day.. better watch out… well holy crap did he grow fast.. and way bigger than me. He never beat me up though.

I shot him in the ear with an air soft gun and played it off like it was an accident.. well the next year me and him were arguing over the .22 rifle that went off into my foot so I guess he did get me back haha it was my fault I don’t blame him. 6th grade.

He got this fedora in Florida on a trip.. and wore it everywhere for a few weeks… I gave him so much shit for wearing that thing that I think eventually decided to stop wearing it so I would leave him alone.

I was a bully to Garrett And then I turned into not even acknowledging him. I was in my own world. He didn’t want me anywhere near him when his friends would come over. They told me he looked up to me. That didn’t even register with me back then…

Haha we would throw the baseball in the front yard.. and there were days where we didn’t last 10 back and forths because one of us was mad at the other for throwing the ball behind them.. and then it would end with one of us launching 100 yards away into the woods.

I have tons of memories. Too many to put on here. We shared a bathroom..

but we would shower in the larger bathroom together. We were usually the first ones at school and we didn’t have too long to get ready.. we both hated waking up early. In the shower we would stand back to back and split the hot water between us.. one would try to get more water than the other by leaning back a little bit.. obviously I’m bigger at the time so I would win that battle and it would turn into an argument.. dad would open the door and would immediately stop.

We did have some good times too.. I remember our trip to London/Paris we got along especially well.. I think I was in 10th grade.. I used to have a pic in my college houses of Garrett and me with Big Ben in the background.. black and white photo. I loved that one and that trip.

Another trip when we were younger..was to Jackson/Yellowstone..didn’t get along on this one.

My first day here driving down moose-Wilson road.. they have silhouettes of elk,moose, bear,etc it’s to keep drivers eyes peeled for the real things! We took off from the wort hotel in a van with all of the family.. maybe 10 of us..g and I sat in the back row.. headed to Yellowstone looking for wildlife.. it quickly became a competition.. Garrett said he saw a bear… before even making it to Teton village.. and I let him know that he was fooled!!

A little bit further I think I see a moose way off to the right.. the adults don’t believe me on this one and say I’m fooled too! Haha I swear I did see a moose deep in there.. swear by it.

I think of this story driving around this town every day. Reminds me of the loving family that equipped me to survive this life.. and eventually make it.. back to the place it started. Pretty cool.

When I hear the lyrics “making action figures kiss”.. Garrett loved army men and had an amazing imagination as a child.. and I would have a friend over and we would take his favorite action figures and melt them in the driveway with a magnifying glass.

the lyric “big bro is numbing out on the PlayStation again” true.. and if he did play with me I would always know a trick or cheat code that made it impossible for him to beat me and he’d throw the controller at the wall.

Our basement had holes in the walls everywhere from roughhousing.. and maybe a paddle going through the wall when I would beat him so bad in ping-pong.

He starts growing up and I’m in my dark stage hiding my drug usage and secrets. He gets a real paddle and practices.. he would beg me to play so he could show me how much better he had gotten.. and then he started whooping me and spinng the ball and he was loving it.. I didn’t care too much.. I mean I didn’t like losing to him.. but I reached a certain level in ping pong that I couldn’t pass and that frustrated me.. so I’d only play to 21 with him twice and then go upstairs and he’d get pissed that I wouldn’t keep playing with him.

He became better at baseball than me…he hunted and killed bigger deer than me.

I went off to college and he was only and didn’t have to worry about his brother messing with him anymore. I bet part of him missed me tho.. the lyric “there’s a kid who tried on all his brothers clothes” “sometimes he’s alone when he’s at home”

I’d come home from college and find him wear like an old hat of mine or an old sweatshirt.

I thought that was cool. We have always worn our dads clothes. Today is Father’s Day.. didn’t plan for the post about my brother to land on this day.. but he’s both our best man.. so happy Father’s Day.. I talked to him for a while this morning.

When I came close to death at 21.. I think I began to wake up.. and I reflected on my relationship and treatment of my brother.. and I felt immense regret and pain surrounding it.. and hoped he would forgive.. I was sure he never would.. but he did. We rebuilt a relationship. It was really cool. He started to chase his college baseball dream and I rooted him on from a far… I admired his passion, commitment, and resilience.. he made friends on each team he played on and was respected by all of his teammates and coaches. He was a leader for a lot of boys. A lot of young men I should say. I always liked meeting his new baseball friends. Good guys. One of them cuts my hair.. yigore!!! Cash young.. brother of my.. my brother in Christ.. Mr. Marchant young! Now married! Woohoo!

G was at Georgia college and had battled injuries.. he had a shoulder surgery.. was in a sling.. some jealous roided up punk.. little bitch actually fits better. Opened up g’s truck door.. g has his seatbelt on still.. and is just getting pummeled.. knocked unconscious defenseless.. blood all over the dash.. all over the car. This guy was in Brazilian jijitsu idk how tf you spell it… he was using his body as a weapon.

As soon as I found out.. the first chance I got I sped down from Atlanta to milly and I was on a hunt to find where this pussy was at.. the first place I looked was Claire’s and then next place I looked was the gym.. then the gnc store..

I somehow talked to enough ppl and found his place. I didn’t know what I was gonna do but I was so angry and boiling it wasn’t even funny.. my mom was trying to convince me to stop… and that I would go to jail.. g was texting me telling me not to do anything.. I stalked to guy for a day.. he’s a lot bigger than me.. I see his car and watch him go into his house.. and I’m sitting here wondering.. g is on a baseball team.. why are those boys not busting up in this house right now… if we were in Tuscaloosa this small Dick bitch would be destroyed. I didn’t like that something like that didn’t happen. I mean is the baseball team at Claire’s too?

Garrett did nothing to deserve this.

I gave up and understood that I would go to jail if I did anything. I’ve followed this kid on social and watched him turn into more a douche. His head will explode before you know it and his nuts will shrivel up to peas from the steroids.

Uh see it just rises when we visit these things.z but garrett even found a way to forgive him.. g is a Christian man.. always has been strong. He can forgive.. but he doesn’t have to ever see that kid again.

I was only able to forgive this punk this spring.. it’s the dang seventy times seven verse in the Bible.. forgive your brother a limitless number of times(pretty much).. and as much crap I can talk about him.. and hate him.. I still work to find forgiveness… because I know mental health and I know we are human.. and ya know what.. I hope this kid figures it out and works towards a long fruitful life.. how crazy is that.

I don’t hate anyone anymore.. I don’t hold grudges.. I mean.. I don’t want to see certain ppl because I don’t want to test the feelings that will arise. The goal for myself would be to reach a place in this forgiveness world and level of peace and understanding… that I can face someone like butthead down in Georgia without hatred in my heart.

Garrett used to tell me to shut up butthead hahaha

G started learning I guess like some mma moves to protect himself..making sure that nothing like that would ever happen again.

We watched the braves win game 4 of the World Series against the astros.

We got flicked off by Tom Delonge in the pit at the Blink 182 show last summer.

we have made great memories and I wish we could make more.

On g’s last team he played for in Gwinnett it sounded like he had the best coach of his career. The coach had them present who their hero was in the locker room.

I heard that g said his hero was me. I can’t even type that without tearing up. puts glasses on

Apparently his speech was incredible and moving. I have no doubt.. he can really talk in front of ppl.. I have no clue what he said.

But in the time that I found out he did that.. it put a force of love and energy in me when I needed it the most as I was struggling deeply with so many things and trying to do so many things all at once.. I think that was when I was trying lol to do a friend in me and I was gearing up to speak out loud on suicide. And just hearing that he did that provided and incredible push of courage but also… I had worried that my brother hated me for a while.. and it turns out.. it was the opposite.

Garrett has moved out and is living in a barndominium.

He is working hard as a lineman. When I say 110%.. he gives 110%.. like figuring out how to beat me in ping pong.. baseball.. learning everything he can about a butcher shop.. and now learning how to be a lineman.. and he loves it.. and it’s hard work. And he shows up every day eager. I’ve admired his work ethic always.

He’s got his bachelor party coming up and a wedding after that… that’s right because he is marrying my new sister, Katie bug!

Katie has been in our lives for several years now and we adore her.. all of us. And Garrett is in love like nobody’s business. Katie has been great to me and supportive. Her mom has been supportive of me. She comes from a wonderful family and I couldn’t pick a better girl for my brother. She is a nurse… and she’s really good at what she does… but what she does best is love my brother and that’s all we can ask for. Thanks for being so silly Katie. You fit… right in. Love you.

I think they are honeymooning at a ranch somewhere in Wyoming.. they decided this awhile ago.. how fitting ;)

I just put in my requests at work to be able to go to these events.. it’s the only time I’m leaving town or asking off. I cannot wait to celebrate and catch up. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a lot of people.

Wrapping up.

I’m doing great. I’m in a wonderful headspace. I’m still working through a million things. I’ve got some buddies. I love the jobs.

I’m leaving the motel. Been sleeping in car for many days now. I can’t wait to start the next adventure here. Will write about it this week when I get some off days. Working hard and feeling productive. I’m being short cause I’ll tell you about it later.

You won’t hear about any of the colorful characters I meet like I did in NZ.

Its going to stick to the mental state and the fun things I’m seeing and hearing in the outdoors

I’ve named this “In My Room” because of the song and the meaning tied to me and my brother but also.. because of the motel room… and figuratively.. referring to being in my head working on things..

I’m no longer in the room, in fact, I’m in the mountains, and I’m always.. in my room.

See you soon and take care of you today. Happy Father’s Day. Thank you for everything Yancey. Love you

-Z