Hovvdy 1

I have been wanting to write on my off days… before work the next day… or before work in the afternoon. But there is a little bit of hesitation I encounter each time I try to open my mind and heart on here. I think it has something to do with my ever-changing.. situation, being, life, etc.  I begin to write and a side of me shoots me down telling me to shut my mouth. That I’ll write something about what I want to do or how I feel… just to turn around and do something different or feel a different way about something. But maybe that’s what this blog is all about. The ever-changing… it’s human.. it’s me. It’s ever-changing. Like the dart river tattooed on my arm. Ebbs and flows.. all flowing downstream towards the inevitable. It’s life. But when I look back on this writing down the road.. I’ll know that the writing was exactly how I felt in that moment. This isn’t a book that is edited over and over.. it’s a real.. a real-time journey.. public journal entry.  And when I write about the past.. part of it is I’m worried I’ll forget the details as time goes on… or the raw feelings attached to the memories.

I have a few half-assed drafts written about current thoughts and happenings over the past two months. But right now.. I’d rather explore and recap a mini/emotional adventure.

I’m on a plane from Seattle to Jackson. Connect in Salt Lake. Salt lake being a delta hub.. it has played a role in many adventures of mine.. they have a beautiful airport. A clean and efficient portal for my final destinations. Great sky club.

A couple years ago I booked a flight in the matter of an hour of entertaining the thought of a trip. Okay.. maybe the idea was developing throughout the work day but when I made it home in the afternoon my broad plan was made with a rough idea of what I wanted to do. I only had 7ish days. They were out of reach by my own car with the time frame I was working with at the time. I wanted to see several places. Hard to get to places in the winter.  Well.. maybe hard to get in the mind of someone who has never trudged their way through the snow. February. It was winter.. in the thick of winter.. of where I was planning to go. I’ve never driven consecutive long miles in snow and ice. I guess they call it.. wintry conditions? Idk I’m not used to this shit either way. Long distance. A fun and slightly risky challenge. Booked a ticket to Omaha, Nebraska.

I needed inspiration…rather.. craved the inspiration. I’m sure I was also craving that same thing I still and have always chased…. Uncovering something new for Zack.. finding something unseen to my eye.. or simply feeling alive again after lying stale for too long.

I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday.. about the tree I planted in the yard. I only brought one picture to Jackson. It’s of petey and I. It’s in a frame. Sometimes.. I feel like it’s the only possession that keeps me tied to where everything is I’ve always known back home. Or I guess.. just home in general. A home.

Early in the summer it stayed in the back of the car with me. Now.. it ends up mostly on the dash or up front. It spent a week in Bozeman at Hotel Dylan. I left it on the bedside table of my favorite hotel room because I knew I would return in a week’s time. I noticed a little something missing during that week as I went about my business in Jackson and when I made it back to hotel Dylan the following Monday.. saw the frame sitting there.. I instantly felt the warmth and safety run through me. No joke. I know it’s cheesy.

My back is turned and he’s facing the camera. He’s a puppy. We are in my front yard. Near where the tree is planted. It’s a cherry blossom tree.. planted as a bit of an ode to my hometown of Macon. I also.. really love how a cherry blossom tree looks..and how it makes me feel. It reminds me of spring.. home.. baseball.. old friends.. and the upcoming summer.. like inching towards the end of a school year. But spring.. yea.. it really reminds me of spring.. and home. I liked spring in Georgia. This tree was planted around 5am. A cold and wet Thursday morning.

I just looked back at my calendar to figure out when I left. Looks like I named the trip “puppy breath”. We were going to pick up Petey the week after this trip. Was looking forward to.. the puppy breath.

The tree sat by the house for two days in the original “pot”. Typical Zack.  Eleanor and I had gone to Pike to get something pretty to plant in the yard. Eleanor is my sweet neighbor. Just a little older than me ;) however… young at heart. Especially when talking about gardening or shopping for something beautiful to put in our lovely little neighborhood. We spent quite awhile at pike that day.. she helped me through my decision-making on the tree. Encouraged me to.. be..well me. To do me. We also laughed when she said in her southern(im going to describe her accent as ‘magnolia’) accent. She said “oh honey, I don’t mind at all” as I hesitated and apologized for taking so long to decide on which cherry blossom tree to buy.. she says “I’ll always have a good time helping someone else spend their own money on something like this”

We went back and forth on severallll trees “well this one has this color… well this one leans that way.. this one looks weird…” and so on.

We picked one out.. excited.. shoved it in the car with it hanging out the back window. It had a little bend towards the top. The idea was to have the bend lean towards the fence.. in hopes that it would grow up and slightly over.

On the way out the store I picked a camellia to throw in the backyard. It’s still back there. It’s white.. beautiful. I named it…Eleanor. Also White and beautiful lol.

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Been in Tetons for several days since now

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Lots of smoke in the valley. A fire in the nearby forest

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Been over a week or so now.

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Took off to Omaha a couple years ago. Omaha was the origin of the “soul search”. I use that term too often it makes me cringe. I’m going to come up with a new term.

Omaha was the coldest of all the places on this trip… and I was headed towards what I assumed to be the coldest. I remember pulling out of the airport onto the snow covered interstate with a rented 4Runner… plugged in Waze… and it was already… telling me that I would have difficulty getting to my next destination.. Sioux Falls, SD.

Ten and two. Sliding on the road.  Called my dad.. because he knows everything. “How do I make it Seattle in February from here”

“Those truckers in the 18 wheelers have been doing it for years. So surely there’s a way”  “you don’t have to push anything. You got your triple aaa card right” “grab some warm stuff and charge your phone and stay in touch and call me whenever. Go find it.. “I love you”

I’ve met many people who don’t have fathers.. or… shitty fathers. Absent. Dead. Unknown. Fathers. And I feel very blessed to be in seemingly treacherous situations that I’ve gotten myself into.. to call.. a father... not just on an icy road.

But I also appreciate the ability to call the fatherly confidant before a POTENTIAL treacherous situation. Playing devils advocate while letting me live wild at the same time. Running through outcomes and different ways to navigate… this life. I feel blessed. I feel my sweat dripping down both armpits as I type this. My body temp goes up. Many reasons. Put on sunglasses and turn up music in an airport. Crying in an airport.

Wind blowing the 4 runner down the nebraska black top. Maybe it’s a newer model. Those things aren’t built right. Too tall. Too narrow. “Safe” my ass. Feels like driving a box of cereal. Maybe I’m bias.

My goal… of the trip.. was to take a break from atl, work, and find inspiration on how to help people.. in the big picture. …before what I thought was going to be some big life saving initiative. I think I was furiously… maybe the word is .. feverishly…..losing my mind. And I need to be nice in saying “losing my mind”. I’ll use another f word. Ferocious. I was ferocious in my attempt to better.. the world and others. I had several personal things behind the scenes. But I was running hot and fast with ideas and dreams. And none of it truly was for my own benefit. I was on fire.. to live completely outside of Zack to save others…. From pain.. and ultimately suicide. Like I had all the answers…

I knew I wasn’t the only one to ever survive.. but I felt that I had enough experience with depression that I could bridge gaps between different types of people.. to come together.. in an understanding of the depression. (I’ll state that I do not regret any of this). In fact, I should have been doing more for Zack.. like sleeping more. Taking care of my own mental health. That would have allowed for more ppl to be helped. Instead, I sprinted with a blindfold with a few slits in the fabric.

.. as I was crumbling yet again. Ashamed to write this.. I was looking for small non-profit owners.. and how they did it. I shouldn’t be ashamed. I shouldn’t. I had been researching the weeks prior a few businesses and business owners that I wanted to meet and learn from… they all had integrated entertainment and art into their good deeds. I was looking to do something similar.

I’m debating on how much detail I want to go in about this “soul search” trip. About to board a plane back to Jackson. I’ll see how I’m feeling. Maybe I’ll get sat next to an interesting person. I feel like I’ve had an unfortunate run of 6’6” sound asleep guys next to me.. all 3 of us crammed into a row. Or Dennis Rodmans 27th in-law. “Oh that’s cool…. You know Dennis then huh?” “Ya he’s our brother. Well.. my husbands brother”

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