Old Faithful
Whew! My feet are worn out, baby!
What’s up…I’m typing from a sanctuary in Bozeman..a beer sanctuary. Dylan is at work..I’m going to watch him play kickball later. I have to work on the days my people play kickball in Jackson. I loved loved loved playing kickball in Atlanta when I first moved there. I loved softball as well…I would like to play softball out here as well.
I came to Bozeman again after just being here 2 weeks ago. I wanted to see Dylan and I wanted to keep exploring more of what is between Bozeman and Jackson. Work is about to get busy and I won’t have much time to make back up here moving forward for the summer season.
Dylan also set up a little guest bed in a beautiful loft sunroom in his place…there is a window you can hop through and chill on this fire escapish platform…when I finish writing this I’m going to go sit out there..and tomorrow morning when I wake up I plan on doing the same thing..surrounded by mountains and birds chirping in the crisp morning air.
Alright so….Shoot I have so much to say…I can be concise…maybe.
My heart is bursting like Old Faithful..over and over again out here.
My mind is opening
My soul is healing.
I feel all of it…every day.
The medicine is out of my system…finally. There were only a couple days where the withdrawal or whatever the heck was happening…was a little rough.. nothing crazy…but not enjoyable. Made it.
SO now that its gone….like I’ve said before…its like this unveiling of life and emotions beginning to shine and sound brighter and brighter..
It’s like I’m familiarizing myself with who I really am again…which is so cool…but it’s also…like another challenge. I’m feeling things more intensely so I have to be careful on approaching things that I know could affect me in certain ways….Its a little bit like that that stray or abused dog that doesn’t trust anybody or anything…and then the dog finds some melted ice cream near the park bench and its the best day he has ever had!
For me…and I’m still a little depressed..not fully out of the woods yet…but compared to what it used to be…I”m in a great place in the process of getting through it.
For me…now that the medicine guard is down..my instincts have kicked in and I’m noticing myself err towards defensiveness and trying to protect myself…everything right now seems too good to be true…and its so hard to tell what is causing certain feelings…is some of it natural of just moving to a new place or is it weening off the medicine and becoming natural again…is it a mix of both..most likely.
One thing about a big city like Atlanta…I was able to hide. Not that I was hiding something…but when I didn’t want to talk I could disappear into the city…just like I do in Manhattan(love doing it there)….
and yea out here I could disappear into nature…which is what I will do…but I do love going to a coffee shop or perusing through a mall with my headphones in…doing a whole lot of nothing without seeing someone I know. Here…you will run into someone 1000%….which is fine..Its just an adjustment for me… think I do love the small town life and I imagine that is how Zack will end up….
but when entering a small community…I think even for someone like me…who doesn’t meet a stranger…is daunting in its own way. I love being part of a community…friends helping friends…neighbors helping neighbors…people helping grow each others businesses and bettering the area around them..and in a small community you can do that…in a large city…well..good luck.
However…I do believe in big change and I believe that if enough small communities come together that big change can happen…and as daunting as that challenge is…I think I will eventually play a role in something like that one day…of course my initiative would revolve around the broad idea of making the world a friendlier place.
So I’m fresh meat..I’m new. I am 29 and divorced feel like I got a Scarlet letter on my chest sometimes…but that is the thought pattern that I’m working on…Zack you don’t have scarlet on you…its life…and sadly divorce is common nowadays…and in the south…different from the rest..you guys just get married a little earlier…if anything its the greatest learning experience to date for you son.
But when I hear of someone divorced…my mind wanders to what happened..who did what..
and I don’t have a short answer for what happened for mine and I feel like if I say..ah it just didn’t work out..then they think I’m hiding something….and I promise all of you I have nothing to hide about anything in my life hahaha…..I feel like my character and integrity are very important to me nowadays…I don’t like being misunderstood..and I don’t like being accused of something I didn’t do. I think being accused of something you didn’t do is one of the worst experiences we can have out there.
Idk…I’m a bellman and picking up a couple shifts at a restaurant at 29…I had a white picket fence life and a good job…so naturally ppl are like wtf is going on…and then we add this other layer of mental health stuff and the vulnerability I have will all of it….I’m sure people just think I’m crazy. I probably have friends that think I’m crazy and they have never read any of this shit or tried to understand better.
I do have friends that understand..plenty.
I just want to be understood so I can move forward…I think thats one half of why I started putting this on the internet instead of my paper notes.
I’m not crazy..and neither are you..we are human beings. And I’m not near the only one who has experienced all of this crap…there are plenty of people out there with the same shit or worse…Ive met alot of them…I meet them every day. I guess after surviving I realized that there is no point in keeping it in…let it out..to help others…and to help yourself….and let me tell you what sunny boy/girl……………every time I open this laptop and start to type..I grow…every single time…and sometimes it’s painful…but I grow…and we process through it allllllll. I absolutely love finding Zack.
I’m learning how to navigate conversations and how to reveal or if it is necessary to reveal…..I don’t like the idea of someone thinking that I’m hiding something..and so I’m usually quicker to pull the trigger and become more open….being open on my end also allows the other person to open up…which helps me understand them better…..its all a symbiotic relationship……and i’m living in a tourist town…so I’m meeting people from all over….and seeing every personality type imaginable….my eyes have been open..especially working in the service industry. There are some people that straight up…suck….and in the past couple years I’ve trained my brain to find grace even for the most entitled pretentious assholes out there. I would say I draw the line sometimes and deem them life long assholes and bad people…but I still……find grace and hope…..that is how I know I’m not crazy…that is growth and that is a mature Zack. I am proud of how far I have come and I encourage you..the reader to just try your best with patience …and understand…we don’t know what’s going on…and maybe..hey they are an asshole..always have been…..but you know what…maybe they won’t always be an asshole…there is hope for all of us to turn things around at any age. Now..I’m not saying put up with their shit and call them out when necessary…but giving up on…we don’t give up on anyone.
I love working in the service industry in this town….I was tourist here many times as well..>>I know what it feels like to land in that airport across from the Tetons..and step onto that damn tarmac and feel the mountain air..and they arrive at their hotel and I’m the first one they meet…and yes I need money….and I get money..but right now I live for the initial interaction with the 2 car 12 person family arriving for their family vacation…and I try to welcome them in the most sincere genuine fashion just like I would appreciate….but…in my mental..its not about the tip anymore…I see kids hop out of the car with stuffed animals of bears..or elk….and they are yapping while the mom is stressed trying to corral everything and everyone…and the kids ask me 100 questions about the animals in the national park and if they are going to see them…I love every bit of it…and you take their bags to their room and they haven’t even settled in yet..they are just up against the window in awe of the view…maybe they are from middle of nowhere Ohio or Nebraska and the grandad has saved up and taken the family on a lifetime adventure/vacation…and as small as my role is in that…I try to make that interaction as wholesome as I can for them. Happiness…adventure…exploration…adults are happy..kids are happy…I feed off of that as well..it keeps my engine running….they are my guests but I’m like reliving my vacations and adventures with them…and that warms my heart and that is why I’m fine with sleeping in my car every night.
I’m on an adventure too ya know. Sleeping in the car is my choice…I have options..some fairly expensive options..but also inconvenient options…If i’m going to be inconvenienced… then I’m going to do it on my own terms.
So I sleep in the 2013 tahoe..3rd row seats are out…captain seats are folded up against the front seats…and I have blanket as the bed sheet and then a weighted blanket..another blanket..a sleeping bag..and my biggest jackets back there…its a comfy fort at that point…I deploy a black umbrella to darken to the cabin a little bit….and I sleep somewhere new overnight…last night was west Yellowstone..cool…I always laugh to myself..I let the sun wake me up every morning…hit the unlock button on my fob and then hit the trunk button…and the trunk slowly opens…and I can see where I parked..its always something different….I take naps before or after work and wake up and forget what day it is..or where I am..Its like that feeling in college of waking up late for an exam…or forgetting to submit the big paper due yesterday.
But I love being flexible out of my car..not paying rent..and just…going for it and adventuring..it’s so fun.
Of course it would be nice to have affordable rent and a cool roommate in town…with a room where I could close a door and have space and all that…but you know….I love waking up in random places..peeing outside the car..hopping in the drivers seat barefoot and disheveled and driving to my next destination…playing my favorite songs…I freaking love it!..
Can’t do it in the winter though..so will figure that out.
I miss my people alot..I miss so much..I do get sad still. It’s hitting alot harder than it did in NZ….I guess cause I know it’s a permanent departure..nothing remains the same…i miss the sounds of my friends and family voices and I miss being able to walk over to Thomas house and chatting about life with him and Ainsley. I miss the simpkins and Williams and Hawkins and Tim/Santiago/Emma and Eleanor and Heath and Mangrum’s and everybody. I miss everyone outside the hood. I miss the dogs in the hood.. and I miss my dogs. I miss the kids in the hood.. miss my family. And I miss my yard. I miss my yard so much. I miss hugs from loved ones. I miss hugs. Etc I don’t want to enter this side of it all right now. Too sad.
Alright..I’m gonna write another one soon..I have a foster dog I see often named Shivers…he is awesome and old and lonely. Same. hahaha
Took off yesterday through Teton to Yellowstone and stopped at the old faithful inn…had a drink at the bar…its my Friday pretty much on a Monday. Sit next to a family on a big family vacay from jersey…none of their amex’s worked..like 4-5 cards..I close out..mine works..tell them if they need help washing dishes later to call me. haha they put together cash…was kind of odd though that the cards didn’t go through…separate accounts and cards..and then mine didn’t have problem…I mean they had money obviously idk.
My family stayed at the old faithful inn as well….it was hot when we were there..I remember no tv..and dad going down the hall to ask them to turn up the a/c…lol…..this place doesn’t do a/c. We were fine with it…just didn’t know or had not experienced that before…funny. My 29 year old eyes remembered the log cabin like walls throughout the place…the front drive and the lobby…shoot even the gift shop..here I am…just hanging out in yellowstone because its in my backyard…who would have ever thought…my goodness.
Walk outside..find a bench to see old faithful at sunset…Its 8:40 p.m. and its supposed to go off at 8:50 give or take 10-15 minutes I believe…It finally goes off at 9:15…I watched some tourists give up on it…like brother do you know where you are… and what you are about to see……….. is to me a natural wonder…..there she blows…I remember her…a beautiful geyser…at sunset…I’m back out west…and my heart is bursting like old faithful again…again….and again…
I like reliability and you know who is reliable…old faithful.
Headed to the farmers market to mosey around and then to Dylan’s kickball.
Edit.. ended up playing kickball on a team as a sub. Fun. Was able to run bases.
After dinner me and Dylan hit a hike.. I had to stop halfway as my knees were killing me.. pretty painful in both of them on the way down. It’s a real bummer. Cold plunge in a creek on the way home felt nice. Watched kill bill and slept in a bed for the first time in weeks.. ahhh espresso with Sabrina carpenter and coca-cola for breakfast and I’m happy. Today is my Sunday
Have a great week friend..you’ll be hearing from me again soon.
Love you
-Z
