Wander: One Boot in Front of the Other
Put the car in park.. crawl over everything I own into the back of the 2013 suv. Leave the headlights on and the heat up for about ten minutes…..1. In case an animal appears in the high beams…2. To warm up the cabin before my night begins. Midnight. 12:16a.m to be exact.
Moseyed around for an hour on idle through nooks and crannies of roads I’ve discovered since my car camping began. Playing old favorite songs. I have a day off tomorrow and I just got done with a week of nostalgia(emotional nostalgia)
Found out a week ago today that Bodhi was being put down. He went to sleep on Wednesday.
I had 8 friends from back home(Atlanta/Bham) visiting that Wednesday night. Dylan driving down from Bozeman. A bittersweet day.
I woke up in the woods and needed a shower so I headed to the rec. Shoot basketball and it’s all hitting. I knew the day would come I mean the dog was old and declining quickly. I was able to FaceTime with him beforehand that morning.
I shot basketball with my glasses on and it was just hitting in waves.. memories of him and memories of a previous life.. clashing with old friends coming to visit my new place.
I’ll add what I wrote on an instagram post
“Bodhi gets to start again today!
When we got Bodhi we thought we were getting "The Terror of Tibet".. and I was confused because anytime a storm would roll through he would hide for hours panting under hanging clothes in the darkest closet or space he could find. Could not find him at my parents house one day... he was behind the cereal in the pantry and barely moved a thing..
We tried playing music to help... would put out real human juicy tasting food.. he wouldn't budge. Don't touch him in that state. He's on guard. Shaking.
Terrified.
And then the next day you and bodhi are running an errand.. he sees the big brown ups truck before you even see it and he's about to bust through the glass and get this mean mail man. Terror of Tibet lol He's a Tibetan terrier. Stubborn. A little weird. Real sweet to his owners. Curious. Hungry... very hungry.
He didn't care for his new brother when we brought him home. He was like dude... I was perfectly fine with just you guys wtf.
I think he resented us for awhile.
Petey (little brother) just wanted to be near Bodhi and always wanted to play. Bodhi wouldn't acknowledge him. But every now and then you would find Bodhi letting Petey lay on him or next to him. I loved finding them like that... I think Petey is the one who later resented Bodhi for not welcoming him with open paws. Dogs are funny. And I love them. And I loved Bodhi. I love old dogs.. and it's hard to love old dogs... but they need it too.. just like old humans.
Ripping bandaids is part of all of this and it sucks and it's beautiful all at the same time.
I don't know where dogs go but if I had to pick a place on the map where I think they go... I bet you it looks like Wyoming. Or the Starbucks drive thru idfk.
Thankful for my short time with my old man.. my old true friend. Many treats, peace, and calm coming your way, bobo!”
You’ve read about Gus but Gus wasn’t mine. Bodhi was mine. And he was my first dog since middle school or younger.
But the loss of Bodhi was a long slow burn for me. I’d already lost him a while back. But I knew he was out there existing and being taken care of.. but the state he was in when I left him.. I knew he wouldn’t be around much longer. I’d known the call would come this year. It was time and we all gave him a wonderful life for the end of his life.
I’d bring bobo up to the shed to just sit with me.. I’d sit.. he would just sniff and do circles. But it was company. And I’d love on him and give him way too many treats. He was my friend in the dark shed. I miss my friend. He didn’t care what happened to me and he didn’t care about anything I ever did. He was consistent. Constant. Even. He couldn’t hurt me. He was a hurt dog. We bonded. He was trustworthy. A loyal friend. And I wondered if he noticed that I was gone. Makes me sad.
I told the shelter owner that I would pick up my foster dog shivers several times that week as I knew I would be emotional with the final loss of Bodhi. But I couldn’t do it. Shivers is old too. In some ways I think that he and bodhi share similar features and personalities. The shelter owner promised not to tell shivers so that he wouldn’t get his hopes up.
I guess on that Monday when I found out I did have shivers literally laying on my chest in the grass. I gave him a big hug and kiss. Maybe it helped him too. I know it helped me.
My friends arrived and I met them at the airport with a sign that said “welcome back from the swingers cruise” lol it was 4 couples. Ha so funny you are Z. I stole the idea but I did my best in bringing it to life. A funny welcome in the prettiest part of the country.. and tbh my favorite airport in the country.
I had to work most of the time everyone was here which sucked but.. $ was good as the holidays were here and I knew that it was a small price to pay to have to work while they vacationed..I knew what I signed up for. I was able to stay on the same floor as everyone in the hotel. My first bed in quite some time. Pillows and space to stretch my body. Dylan had the other queen. It was a nice setup and perk of working here. Thankful.
I was able to float the snake River with everyone on the 4th and I loved being with everyone in my new home.
They did all kinds of stuff while I worked and I think they all had a great time.
Went to another show on top of a mountain and hiked down in the dark. My favorite venue I’ve ever been to. Will be legendary one day you betcha. Glad to witness it before ticket prices sky rocket.
Dylan leaves and I have the room for a night to myself. Missed my friend. But I had space and privacy. A bath was taken.. and it was glorious.
Friends check out and leave. And it sets in again as I begin to pack up… everyone going back to their lives.. most of them living lives that I was living back in Atlanta.
And here I am. Packing everything back up into my car again.. getting ready to set off back into another adventure. Somehow I feel like I have more stuff in here than I did before checking into the hotel. I don’t even care anymore. I just lay on top of all kinds of crap.. but I do have some good blankets and pillows. I don’t sleep for long anyways. Midnightish til whenever the sun rises.. 6hours? Somewhere new most every night. Don’t know where I’ll be tonight I think and that’s an interesting feeling. I just know it’s a wonderland out there and I’ll figure it out at the last second.
Picked up shivers before my evening shift today. It was good to see him and it didn’t bring up bodhi stuff. It didn’t replace bodhi… but it was just.. new life. New friend. New chapter.
Old friends leave.. and my current and new life begins again. And I have a little new companion joining me on this journey.. I mean he’s on a new journey too. I think he likes it. I know he likes it. He told me after he scarfed down a few French fries in the national forest. We sat on top of the car with no one in sight listening to music and me getting shivers to howl at the sun with me while looking across at the Tetons. Summer is fleeting and I’m trying to soak up all that I can. I’m still balancing quite a bit and I feel like I’m living… really really fast. But when I lay with that dog.. things do slow down and it reassures me that I’m going to be okay.. clarity..taking it day by day.. doing my best to respirate…it brings about a huge sense of gratefulness to be where I am at this point in my life.. mentally and physically.
No one is coming to save me…and I don’t expect it.. and I don’t need rescuing. I have me, myself, and I. It is up to me. But like I’ve always said… I really don’t think I’ll achieve true happiness.. alone.. but in the meantime.. I can handle myself perfectly fine.. I can survive swimmingly on my own.but hey.. shivers.. if you’re reading this.. thanks dawg. You help!
Work. Calms my mind. Keeps my mind occupied.
Work ends and I set off into the wilderness with a fire for life.. and the unknown. At this point my life contains many unknowns. A few certainties though.. my faith, where I believe I’ll end up, a comfort knowing that I’ll be okay and wake up tomorrow for a new day. A confidence in who I am. A confidence that I know people out there do love me.
Not living reckless but just.. I mean yeah memento mori.. like it says on my arm. I don’t want to cut life short .. but I know that I’m going to die one day..I’ll live an adventurous life while on my journey to the end… but if I get eaten by that mountain Lion at 30… then ya know what.. I lived a good life and probably made an impact on a few ppl. And I’ve shared my thoughts and experiences that will remain on the internet. Or on notepads in a box that someone could pass down to idk whoever.
Idk who said it I’m sure multiple people have said it… but I believe this life should not be endured.. but enjoyed. I’ve already endured enough.. why not find ways to enjoy it. I think about stress often.. and how it affects me and how I react to it.. i notice a very positive pattern in how I’m handling stress and minor inconveniences nowadays. Finding good in unfortunate Situations.. finding good.. in bad people.
I think the progress in handling stress stems from a deep appreciation for the blessed life I have been able to live and knowing all of the wonderful things, people, and places that I’ve been able to do, meet, and see.. and will continue to do, meet, and see. :)
Before writing this I saw about 5 deer and 3 elk.. the elk were right in front of me as I was about to make it to my final sleeping stop tonight. I had buck fever I swear.. to be so close in the dark with their big bodies and racks facing me. Heart was bumping.
It took me a little bit to calm down. It was a rush of look at the bright side of sleeping in your car.. a reward for persevering through the minor inconvenience of not having a bedroom or bathroom to go home to. You get to experience raw wildlife in their habitat, Zack.. and you will wake up in the morning to a magnificent sunrise and begin an off day full of who knows what! The world is Zack’s in this moment looking at the elk..the past fades as I’ll go to sleep and we aim to keep our eyes forward.. and we will probably sleep good tonight. Our mind and body have been working hard. Rest. Breathe. Keep going.
Life is unfolding quickly and the best version of Zack is appearing again.. and the best life Zack has ever lived.. is on the horizon. And if this is the best it’ll ever get.. I am grateful. But I have a feeling.. there is much much more to come for me. I don’t believe in fortune cookies or horoscopes but I believe in God. Some would say they are all the same thing…I only choose one of them. Blind Faith in God.
The Wolves(Act I and II) just came on the aux as I got to the last sentence. Fitting.. it was in the credits of the end of The place beyond the pines. I do believe in a place beyond the pines. Surely it all can’t stop at the end of the pines.. right?
“Some day my pain…”-Bon Iver
I’m going to wake up at sunrise..open up the trunk.. put on my hiking boots… put one boot in front of the other.. and enjoy this life.. not endure it.. but enjoy every minute of it. Tomorrow I continue to wander. One boot in front of the other.
1:33 a.m July 9th, 2024
Much love
-Z
